I’m sure my fellow Floridian Javier will join me in thanking Governor Rick Scott for scaring us all half to death with a close race, but in the end, soulless party-flipping opportunist Charlie Crist was sent packing. The New York Times captured this beautiful image of Charlie’s beloved fan – the one he insisted on using in violation of debate rules, because he looks awful without a fan blowing on him – for the very last time. This is the closest we’ll get to the image of the routed Democrats striking their flag and retiring from the field.
Crist is out of parties to switch to, so he’s mulling over a few different options for his future career. He can either swear fealty to House Frey and become a Red Wedding Planner, or he could join HYDRA as a new operative under the code name “Agent Orange.”
The gubernatorial races were another shock for Democrats in a night full of body blows; the GOP gained a net 4 governors, which nobody saw coming. In addition to Scott in Florida, Sam Brownback held on in Kansas after having been given up for dead, and Scott Walker of Wisconsin once again sits atop a throne of Democrat skulls, a broadsword clenched in one fist and a throne of iron upon his brow. Walker looks and sounds like Chad the librarian, but he wins political battles like Conan the Barbarian.
Not only does this keep Walker’s presidential aspirations alive, but gubernatorial and legislative wins across the land will have repercussions in the 2016 presidential election. So will the fact that Hillary Clinton was the second-biggest loser of the night, right behind Barack Obama. Everyone Clinton supported got creamed; in her home state of Arkansas, they’re still looking for pieces of ex-Senator Mark Pryor after Republican Tom Cotton dusted off and nuked him from orbit.
Great night for Republicans overall, but seriously, Rick Scott, don’t ever do that to us again.