California is a mess. Taxes are the highest in the nation. Our roads are awful. Our rush hour traffic resembles nothing so much as the traffic out of Atlanta on the poster for The Walking Dead. Our elected officials are incompetent and corrupt, our economy looks like that of Elysium, with a steadily-disintegrating middle class, and even our most heralded industries are moving out of state.
So here are five reasons you should move here.
The Weather! You knew this was coming. But it’s real. The weather varies across the length and breadth of the state–the foggy San Francisco Bay is nothing like the hot and dry San Fernando valley–but suffice it to say that there are parts of California that stay in the 70 °F range during the heavy days of winter. You can live here all year long and not know what a season looks like. Which is why so many people here grow old doing nothing–they never realize that the calendar is changing.
The Plastic Surgery! Virtually everyone here of middle income and above is beautiful. A West Virginia 10 is a California 4. Or at least that’s what legend tells us: The Legend of Dr. Feelgood. Plastic surgery has a permanent home here, which is why Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) loves our Botoxed beaches. Beverly Hills looks like a moving Madame Tussauds. Hell, Larry King looks exactly the same as he did 20 years ago (his wife doesn’t), and he will in all likelihood look exactly the same forever–or at least, his head will, Futurama-style.
Pop Culture References! If you like in-jokes, you’re in the right place. Nobody here may have ever read a book, but make an obscure reference about Beverly Hills 90210 and you’re golden. You’ll understand the absurdity of Jack Bauer’s drive-time commute in 24 in full living color if you live out here–NOBODY makes it from the city to the valley in 12 minutes, even Jack Bauer. The entire city is chock full of movie moments–you can see where they shot Back to the Future on a studio lot at Universal, or you can see where Robert Blake shot Bonnie Lee Bakley near Vitello’s.
Spot a Star! You never know what could happen here in LA: you might spot a celebrity at your local Coffee Bean and be given the Glare Of Celebrity Death; you might drive past Lindsay Lohan stumbling drunk from her vehicle in the middle of the night; you might spot a star soliciting a prostitute on Vine. You can even buy a star map and stop 1 mile from the actual door of a Hollywoodites’ home, and view their enormous hedges designed to separate them from the commoners. Hollywood: where dreams come true!
Follow Your Dreams! Want to be a rich and famous actor, scriptwriter, or director? Awesome! There’s a barista job at Starbucks with your name on it. Want to be an activist? There’s a whole world of unearned moral superiority and expensive rent awaiting you.
In actuality, California could be a wonderful place to live. In fact, if you’re highly educated and ambitious, you can do quite well here while enjoying the sun and the fun. The only problem: California will then blame you for your success and recommend that all your cash be removed from you. Sooner or later, California will wake up from its self-induced reverie of delusional political stupidity. The good news: until then, it’s only about a thousand miles to Texas.
Ben Shapiro is Senior Editor-At-Large of Breitbart News and author of the New York Times bestseller “Bullies: How the Left’s Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences America” (Threshold Editions, January 8, 2013). He is also Editor-in-Chief of TruthRevolt.org. Follow Ben Shapiro on Twitter @benshapiro.