1. Filthy, cheating foreigners are conforming satisfyingly to stereotype.
The reason England are already out of the competition, claimed Wayne Rooney over the weekend, is that we are far too nice. If ever we wish to win again at the game we invented, he suggested, then we will have to learn to cheat like all the filthy foreigners with their effeminate hairstyles, their casual fouling and their extravagant diving.
But obviously we can’t do that sort of thing because then we’d look like the kind of people who still live with their mothers and eat garlic on toast and ride around piazzas on mopeds.
Which is why we prefer to lose because it shows our national superiority. Anyway, football is fixed now – so really it’s not up to the players who wins any more anyway, it’s decided by the betting syndicates in India and Pakistan and Ghana.
2. Cameron can’t milk it.
Even though I watched both the Italy and Uruguay games praying that England would win, I wasn’t as gutted as I might have been when we lost.
Why? Because all I had to do was imagine David Cameron hosting a victory celebration at number 10 for the England team, giving some ghastly speech about how it symbolises the triumph of a non-judgmental, diverse, multicultural, tolerant, Big Society Britain whose NHS – our NHS – remains the envy of the world.
This would have happened. You know it would. Now do you feel better that we’re out, already.
3. It has given the Scots something not to grumble about
Nothing – not a warming draught of deep fried Irn Bru (copyright Michael Deacon) nor the skirl of pipes nor the reassuring “pit” of the latest welfare cheque landing on the floor of your council flat – gladdens a Scotsman’s heart quite so much as the sight of England losing in a major (or indeed minor) sporting event.
It’s quite possible that, had England won this World Cup, the backlash would have driven the whole of Scotland into voting “Yes” in the forthcoming referendum. Those of us who love the Scots and dearly wish them to remain part of the Union, therefore, should rejoice in Britain’s tactical defeat in the World Cup.
4. England, whisper it, are actually looking quite good for 2018
I speak here not as an expert. About the only time I watch football is when the World Cup is on – but what this means is that I have clear judgement on England’s different teams over the years. And what I can say is that, without a shadow, this lot of youngsters they’ve got now – Sturridge, Sterling, Barkley, etc – are far more vigorous and exciting and up for the attack than the previous lame duck teams we’ve had to endure.
In the days when Heskey was our best hope – or, God help us, Peter Crouch – you basically knew that the only possible way England could get through would be if all the other teams were struck down with Ebola.
These new kids, though, do not appear to have been told that England are crap and that their job is to lose. They actually play the game like they stand a chance. And with a fair wind behind them in Russia, maybe they might. Especially given that “one goal” Rooney will have been put out to grass by then.
5. Nazi Pope Reefer Man
Do I really need to explain?