Wives: dissatisfied with your husband’s performance in bed? Worried that even with the advent of cheap Viagra you’re never going to get the full orgasmic satisfaction you know you deserve?
Depressed that, for all the uptown apartment, the beachside villa, the Filipino housekeeper, the personal-trainer-cum-masseur Mario, the Porsche Cayenne, the long days at the tennis club with the girls, the spa breaks in Bora-Bora and the skiing breaks in Aspen and Gstaad, you’re still not getting all you hoped for when you decided to tie the knot with your useless wage slave of a pointless man-creature?
Then the Guardian has some good news for you: the solution is at hand. No, not the wurst-shaped behemoth in the drawer next to your bed – something even better, even more devastatingly effective. What you need is to ditch the male appendage and become a lesbian. Only then will you discover the true meaning of orgasms.
As former professional dominatrix Nichi Hodgson explains, when it comes to orgasms, useless, penis-burdened males simply can’t cut it.
The first time I ever had sex with a woman, I remember being overwhelmed – and not in the way I had expected. Over the course of several hours, we had three all-encompassing orgasms each and, finally, I understood the significance of our recovery periods (or the lack thereof) to women’s capacity for pleasure. It even gave me a newfound empathy for the plight of your average heterosexual male, inwardly sighing that his partner might be ready to go at it again already. Then I smugly counted my XY fortune.
And this isn’t just made up lefty newspaper stuff designed to make men feel even more inferior than they did already. It has scientific backing from The Journal of Sexual Medicine in a report called Variation in Orgasm Occurrence by Sexual Orientation in a Sample of US Singles.
As Hodgson reports:
Of the 2,850 men and women surveyed, the researchers concluded that men engaging in sex with a familiar partner have a greater chance of orgasm than women – a mean ratio of 85% of men compared with 63% of women. Lesbians, though, had orgasms 75% of the time. For the guys, it didn’t matter if they are gay, bi or straight – having a penis was enough.
Sounds good enough for me. Today, I would like to make announcement: I am coming out as a lesbian and no matter how many men try to beg me otherwise, I absolutely refuse to have sex with anyone who is not female. My orgasmic future deserves no less.