It’s Christmas Eve and despite the annoying countdowns to Christmas on TV (and the inevitable loudmouth in every office across the Land annually declaring ‘it’s only x weeks to Christmas!’) there are still people rushing around shopping centres, high streets and department stores, desperately grabbing scented candles or Argyle sweaters, in a bid to purchase last minute gifts.
But what would we give our leaders if we had the chance and the kindness of heart? What would we give to our humble tribunes; those who guide the political destiny of the UK? What do you get for the man, or woman, who can get their hands on most things, including bad headlines?
Our initial thoughts for David Cameron took an overseas flavour, given that some of his most significant problems of late have emanated from abroad. For instance, the Prime Minister might well appreciate a voodoo doll of Jean-Claude Juncker; given that Junker’s victory as President of the European Commission was a frontal blow.
The PM’s very public defeat over Juncker has blown holes in the Conservatives Party’s claims that the UK will be allowed to have a “pick and mix” style relationship with the EU; choosing which parts of Treaties and agreements the UK can opt in and out from, in the lead up to the proposed 2017 referendum.
By the same token, the PM has lost a lot of potential friends across Europe in the last year; he might appreciate a guide on how to “woo” the German lady, given that his need for friendship for Chancellor Merkel has never been more pronounced.
On a similar note, he might appreciate a biography of Wellington; the only British leader in the last 200 years to succeed diplomatically against the French.
However, we’ve decided that what Mr Cameron really needs is some translucent powder, beloved of make-up artists, to help him look calm and collected during the photo shoots and television interviews which will be a daily occurrence in the run up to the General Election.
The Leader of the Opposition was also tricky, mainly because we did not want to fall into the trap of ‘Wallace and Gromit’ related gifts with which he is likely to be inundated. We also considered, given his rather tumultuous year, including many from his own party attacking his somewhat soggy leadership, a copy of the book ‘How to win friends and influence people.
But no, we finally opted for a mandate from Her Majesty The Queen, making anyone confusing him for his more charismatic brother a criminal.
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, on the other hand, we found rather easier to plan for. Over the past few years since being part of a coalition government it has become obvious that the Lib Dem leader is in need of some core strengthening exercises. So we decided to club together and are going to buy him….
However, in the absence of human body parts being readily available on the open market an affordable Swiss ball to use instead of an office chair and a course of pilates lessons would be a more practical option.
Hopefully, with hard work and determination, Mr Clegg will have a back of sinews and muscles to rival a perma-tanned gym bunny and be able to stick to promises he may make in the next Lib Dem manifesto.
But it’s not just Mr Clegg who looks like he needs a touch of rest and relaxation. Despite a very successful year for UKIP there’s no doubt that a European Election campaign and more by elections than you can shake a shooting stick at has left Nigel Farage looking rather fatigued. This is bad enough for us mere mortals but for people who are snapped going to buy the morning papers we recommend a good few days of detox in a health spa, complete with a mineral mud mask and perhaps a yoga class or two.
And of course, a bottle of Milk Thistle tablets from your local health food shop will be welcome at any time of the year – if you can find one which hasn’t fallen foul of the EU’s supplements directive! How ironic.
It hasn’t been too shabby a year for Australian environmentalist Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party. We’ve had to take quite a lot of care when suggesting gifts for her, because of course many products that many of us would love Santa to drop into our stockings (such as Jo Malone if any of my friends and family are reading) won’t meet the ethical standards for Ms Bennett.
But that doesn’t mean she can’t look glamorous or pamper herself after a tiring day. We recommend her supporters take a trip to Lush (you can’t miss it; the smell emanates along the whole high street) for some fizzing bath bombs or deodorant which comes in a slab. And not only is it lovingly made especially for people who like to knit their own yoghurt, profits raised go towards such organisations as Plane Stupid, which want to close down Britain’s airline industry if their proposals are taken to their logical conclusion.
Alex Salmond has undeniably had a positive year, despite losing the referendum on pretend independence. The SNP look to storm to victory in May and Holyrood elections. And Salmond himself is making a bid for Westminster. He’s need to be able to fit in with the locals if – which looks likely – he gets elected. Polish bar staff in London may not understand what ‘irn bru n a whiskey chaser pal’ means.
Perhaps Mrs May can help him with the English section of the ‘life in the U.K.’ Test? She seems the sort who would boast to friends her gift this year is a goat to a remote African village; they do say charity starts at home, Theresa, so our gift to you is to nurture Mr Salmond’s transition.
With the gifts wrapped and placed under the tree, it’s time for a glass of mulled wine and a mince pie – making sure there are enough left for Santa and of course carrots for Rudolph and his pals.
Merry Christmas to you all.