We’ve all been there. 3.30pm on Christmas day. The turkey’s been eaten, the Queen’s speech has just finished and the third bottle of sherry has been cracked open. You’re just starting to settle down and put the world to rights over the last mince pie when the bickering starts and the family’s rogue leftie starts spouting off about the evil Tories and whatever else was in Polly Toynbee’s column the week before. Before you know it you’re rummaging through the sock drawer for that last Valium.
But it needn’t be that way. With this foreboding scene in mind we have put together the ultimate guide to defeating your left-wing family members in arguments this Christmas. Here are a few typical leftie subjects:
UKIP are racist
There are many fair criticisms that can be levelled against UKIP; a worrying tendency towards socialism and embarrassing propensity for PR gaffes. But being racist isn’t one of them. In fact it’s the immigration policies pursued by the mainstream political parties that has led to talented professional from India and Africa being locked out of our country. It’s UKIP who are the progressives.
If you have the misfortune to be related to a teenager with a laptop, the chances are that they have become enamoured with the inane ramblings of chest hair enthusiast and cod philosopher Russell Brand on YouTube. As tempting as it may be too take aim at the low hanging fruit presented by your smug niece quoting from the gospel of Comrade Brand, the smarter strategy might be to politely sit the conversation out, Sun Tzu-style. Let little Amelia wax lyrical about how what poor people really need right now is the abolishment of global trade and healthy portions of organic veg. The harder it hits her when Russell Brand gets bored of playing messiah and moves on to his next compulsion, the more likely it is that she will give up on silly ideas like collectivism for good.
As much as you might wish to avoid broaching this sensitive topic, all it takes is something as mundane as an Israeli-grown brussel sprout to trigger a full-throated family row. Much like the IDF, it is advisable that you keep yourself in a constant state of readiness for attack and be prepared to counter-strike with surgical precision. Fortunately Breitbart has been on hand throughout the year to provide fair and balanced reporting on Israel’s heroic fight against Hamas’ murderous onslaught. Refresh your memory here, here, and here.
For years it’s been impossible to voice mild opposition to the mass immigration unleashed upon our green and pleasant land by Tony Blair and his cronies. But with over-stretched public services hitting people where it hurts and don’t pickpocket signs springing up in Romanian, you might be pleasantly surprised by the rational debate relatives are now willing to entertain on the subject. Stick to the facts: you’re not racist, you’re not anti-immigration, you just don’t like your taxes subsidising immigrants to the tune of billions.
You should be furious about the cuts, they should be driving you incandescent with rage. Why? Because they’re not happening, Osborne has borrowed more dosh than Labour managed in thirteen years. Play to your family’s emotions. Do they really want baby Timmy to spend his life shouldering the inevitable consequences of wasting taxpayers’ money on vanity projects? Apparently real cuts are on the way. We live in eternal hope…
Some ideological arguments just aren’t worth having, but when the health of your children is at stake the inevitable NHS discussion is something you can’t back out of. As any rational person knows, the only way universal health care can survive in perpetuity if is the whole thing is privatised. Lefties unfortunately are not known for their rationality and will start banging on about the NHS being a holy relic that cannot be touched. The best strategy here is to relentlessly point out the NHS’ complicity in gross incompetence and the deaths of thousands. If you don’t support privatising the NHS you are tacitly turning a blind eye to death and suffering–all in a stubborn defence of the “greater good” that would make Chairman Mao proud.
There’s bound to be one party pooper who insists on trying to make everyone feel guilty for tucking into a third helping of turkey. How dare you when others in Britain are starving in the streets. Apparently there’s “a social Dunkirk” with victims of the “the cuts” practically having to root through bins to avoid starvation. The trick here is to not to give your opponent the chance to paint you as a scrooge. Shame them for turning charity into a political weapon. Food banks don’t disgrace Britain, they are are triumph of privately funded compassion over the dead hand provision of the state.
Unfortunately the Scots voted no, so you can’t spend Christmas basking in the Schadenfreude that would have accompanied the formation of a Caledonia petro-state during an oil price slump. But you can still have a hearty laugh at any kilt-wearing, haggis-eating, “you’ll never take our freedom” relatives, by gleefully teasing them about the socialist utopia that slipped through their fingers.
It’s the conversation you fear most. “Isn’t it terrible, this new rape culture. Girls that go to university are practically guaranteed to get raped nowadays”. Our society is disguted by rape and merely questioning the “rape culture” myth is often seen as callous and cruel to rape victims. Your ideological opponent will be quick to tar you as a rape apologist. Don’t let them, the stakes are too high. Women are being misled and men are having their lives destroyed in an ideological witchhunt. Your only weapons are facts; use them.
If this one comes up at the dinner table it’s probably worth knocking back another sherry and taking a deep breath. Just the word “Rotherham” is enough to turn the average leftie into a gibbering wreck–you’re going to need to keep your cool. There is a rape culture in Britain; it’s just not a British culture – something your “this is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt wearing niece is going to have some difficulty grasping. At least 1,400 children were raped by gangs of Pakistani men in Rotherham and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. They got away with it because of hand-wringing cultural sensitivity of the police and social services. If your relatives express a need to broach the topic with cultural understanding, tie them to the chair and force them to listen to this podcast.
Merry Christmas, folks!