Every once in a while – okay, every few hours – I get a text, email or Twitter message from someone threatening to kill me, saying they’d be happy if I died or even instructing me to commit suicide. Tweets such as “GO TAKE A BATH WITH A TOASTER” are a daily reality for any conservative in public life.
One happy camper sent a a syringe in a Jiffy Bag to my home address. My housekeeper nearly sued me for PTSD. The syringe was followed a month later by a dead field mouse with a razor blade stuck theatrically in its neck, which I didn’t mind because it at least conveyed a sense of drama.
Well, I have good news for all those angry nurses, teachers, comedians, homosexuals, animal rights activists, feminists, cyclists, Lib Dems, Islamists, trannies, female drivers, Queers for Palestine, Guardian columnists and anyone else I may have offended over the years.
Now you can murder me brutally and repeatedly to your heart’s content, and the police won’t do a thing about it. You see, I’ve been made into a character in a video game called POSTAL 2: Paradise Lost. Forget what you heard about the evils of Grand Theft Auto: this is the most monstrously bloody and hilarious game you’ll see this year.
Fans of Running With Scissors, the studio behind POSTAL 2, suggested the idea late last year and, after discussing it with RWS, I agreed to be put in the game. Six hours of audio recording, a few head shots and a lot of hard work from the team over there and history was made. So now you know what to buy the third-wave inter-sectional feminist agitator in your life!
There are dozens of different ways you can kill me. Guns, a scythe, petrol and matches, a rocket launcher. You can also decapitate me, urinate on me and kick my entrails around making floor art with my spurting, dismembered limbs – all in the name of fun, of course.
Oh, and by the way? If slaying one Milo Yiannopoulos isn’t enough for you, I’ll let you into a little secret: bring up the console at any point in the game and type sissy and hit return to activate cheat mode. Then type andn and hit return again to enter “And N Mode,” or, as I like to call it, Being Milo Yiannopoulos Mode… in which every character in the game turns into yours truly. I think the video below speaks for itself. Happy hunting!
Disclosure: Running With Scissors provided Breitbart with an advance copy of POSTAL 2: Paradise Lost for review purposes. The company has also previously gifted me a DVD, a piece of bullet-ridden metal signage, a t-shirt bearing the legend “I REGRET NOTHING” and a “Krotchy Doll,” a small, embroidered pair of comedy testicles which speak when squeezed. So that hand-wringing feminists and other professional offence-takers can enjoy Paradise Lost guilt-free, I was not paid a fee for appearing in the game.