The wise words of the international relations guru Benedict Cumberbatch have sent me on a road to Damascus, if you will pardon the pun.
I think I may have been too rash in suggesting that we protect our borders and communities from hordes of young economic migrants. I now realise that I have been unhelpful and a tad Islamophobic worrying about the fact that Islamic State have said they’re going to flood our continent with jihadists. How stupid of me. How could I have been so unprogressive in wanting to protect our own citizens?
Well not to worry, Benedict Cumberbatch wants more migrants. And his troop of right-on North London luvvies have shown me the light. In fact, I now reckon old Benny could be on to something when he says that Britain isn’t doing enough to help the ‘refugees’ – although as an international relations expert he should know that the majority who are coming to Europe are in fact economic migrants and not bona fide refugees. But we’ll let that slip of the thespian tongue pass.
He is the voice of reason we’ve been waiting for and if I were Home Secretary Theresa May I would have a hotline to the Barbican theatre where our favourite sleuth is strutting his stuff as Hamlet, whilst also handing out do-gooding lectures on how this nasty Tory government isn’t doing enough to help these poor young men – and yes for some reason the vast majority are young men.
St. Benedict and Emma ‘the conscience‘ Thompson tell us that we nasty Brits should all self-flagellate for not helping these poor refugees – who officially cease to be refugees once they leave the first safe country they land in. But anyway, don’t let international law or anything as unimportant as that get in the way of a right-on luvvie lecture.
Anyway, I have now done the infamous dreaded political U-turn. I now believe we should take more migrants into the country. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that the whole of the ‘Jungle’ camp in Calais, which is ninety-five per cent men, should be allowed to cross the English Channel uninhibited and settle in our great land. And whilst we’re at it, let’s not even check who these people are because that would infringe on their human rights. Oh how the luvvies would dance with joy and how the Bollinger would flow!
However, I have one simple proviso for letting these young men of fighting age into our country and that is that they are all settled in Hampstead, Crouch End, and Notting Hill, or to be even more prescriptive, slap bang in the centre of luvvie land. Then let’s see how Cumberbatch, Thompson, Patrick Stewart, David Morrissey, Mark Gattis and the rest of the luvvie – whose communities are never affected by large influxes of poor people – like it then.
Let their hospitals become even more overcrowded and let the standards in their local schools fall because there has been a huge influx of youngsters who don’t speak English. Or even better, hand out scholarships like confetti to the private schools where the luvvies send their kids. Let their communities become far more dangerous places to live and let them be afraid to go out after dark.
You see, bleeding hearted luvvies, that’s the reality and it’s a far cry from lecturing people from the stage or going on talk shows to show how toe curlingly progressive you are.
If we want to shut these people up once and for all – and I’m sure many normal hard working Brits do – then let them shoulder the burden of the crisis. After all, they seem so keen to do so. And after the reality is landed on their front door step I bet you won’t hear a peep from them on this issue ever again.
And I’m sure we’d all raise a glass to that. Hooray!
Paul Nuttall is the Deputy Leader of the UK Independence Party