The Bin Laden Files: Excerpts From Osama's Captured Diary

The Navy SEALs who dropped in on Osama bin Laden’s hideout on May 1st did not just rid the planet of its most notorious oxygen thief. Recognizing that the compound’s papers and computer files would provide a bonanza of intelligence, the Special Forces operators swept up everything they could carry. Only now is the intelligence being fully processed. In particular, the handwritten notebooks containing bin Laden’s diary have provided a fascinating picture into the al Qaeda mastermind’s last few years. Via a source who insists on remaining unnamed, Big Peace has gained exclusive access to some of the most illuminating entries.

March 2, 2006: All settled in at the new Abbottabad villa. Just think, a few weeks in here and then I’ll be able to come back out in public and assume my rightful place as the ruler of our new caliphate!

* * *

June 6, 2006: What a jerk! So, I’m on the phone with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi from Iraq and he just hangs up on me out of the blue. That’s so rude. I mean, I think he hung up. What else could it be?

* * *

May 5, 2007: You would think with several wives around the house SOMEONE might do some housecleaning. I think the cave was neater.


* * *

September 10, 2008: I cannot believe the Americans would allow a woman to be nominated to be their vice-president. According to the newspapers I have been brought, neither can most American liberals.

* * *

November 1, 2008: This time I think I’m just not going to say anything and see how the American elections turn out.

* * *

January 1, 2009: Uh, where was the bombing I ordered for today? Hello? Is this thing even on?!?

* * *

January 20, 2009: Bush is out of office! There is no doubt I will outlast him and live to celebrate his eventual death! And this Obama’s too!

* * *

January 26, 2009: Okay, two votes for “Stay grey” and two votes for “Try dye.” Great – either way I piss two wives off. And Mohammed commanded I take multiple wives why?

* * *

February 14, 2009: Turns out I forgot Valentine’s Day, WHICH IS NOT EVEN OBSERVED BY FAITHFUL MUSLIMS! Oh, but is that explanation going to satisfy the wives? Of course not! That would be logical! I miss the cave and the comfort of hardy, rough, sweaty fighting men.

* * *

April 13, 2009: Out pacing around the courtyard and heard this hum. I thought it was a drone, so I totally ran inside but it turned out to be Amal using the blender to make smoothies. The wives all started laughing and keep calling me “The Strong Horse.” If I could leave here to get a stick to beat them with I would.

* * *

July 2, 2010: The American newspapers continue to report that the Obama administration is insisting on investigating and prosecuting the CIA people who tracked down our operatives. Thanks for the help, suckers!

* * *

September 13, 2010: The Taliban courier bringing me the Lost finale was blown up by a Hellfire missile. This is a terrible tragedy – I’m dying to know how the show turned out.

* * *

December 13, 2010: Arshad played a joke on me. He handed me a bunch of my writings about the wickedness of George Bush and then yelled “Surprise – that’s just a collection of MSNBC transcript excerpts!” He had me going for a minute there! Too bad when the caliphate comes we will be outlawing humor.

* * *

December 24, 2010: Very difficult day. It seems Khalid was…lying with a goat. I know it is difficult for him not having a woman…we’ve all gone “odd on jihad,” right? But this wasn’t just a smooth young Pashtun boy glowing with the beauty of youth, his tight muscles glistening in the sun. Naturally, I ordered the whore goat beheaded for seducing him, but I hope next time he is stronger and able to resist the temptations of the barnyard.

* * *

January 1, 2011: And where was the giant stroke against the heart of the Great Satan that I ordered for infidel New Year’s Day? I give order after order and it’s like there’s no one out there listening to me. Incompetents!

* * *

January 3, 2011: Okay, I have four freaking wives! I’m only human and it happens to everyone. I’m trying to run a jihad, okay? I’m under a lot of pressure here. It’s not like I can stroll down to the doctor and get a prescription for some little blue pills.

* * *

January 18, 2011: So, without internet access I’m supposed to monitor my Twitter account how? And some smartass switched my Facebook status to “Single” – I’ll never hear the end of that.

* * *

January 31, 2011: Wives getting thinner, so I insisted they eat more. Not that I dig junk in the trunk – I just figure the bigger they are, the better they stop bullets.

* * *

February 14, 2010: So,after using fifteen couriers, each carefully hiding his trail and switching the package and, after being assured of not being followed, they finally delivered the Lost finale. Let me just put this out there…what the hell was that? I haven’t been so ripped off since the Sopranos…did Tony get whacked or not? See, this ambiguity crap is why I hate the infidels.

* * *

February 28, 2011: Got a message back from Mullah Omar responding to my command to begin the Spring Offensive in Afghanistan:

My Great Emir, how kind of you to suggest we begin our annual spring offensive in the spring. We mere Afghans would have never thought of that. I mean, don’t misunderstand me — we’re absolutely delighted to have the Arab son of a Saudi billionaire providing us with military strategies. How we managed to defeat every other foreign invader in the last two thousand years without your invaluable insights is totally beyond me.

Ever since we took you and your pals in, things have been going just peachy for us. We love being driven out of our country and dodging drones in Waziristan. And I was discussing your promise that the Americans were soft, cowardly and would always cut and run with my friend Hamid just before he ran into a patrol of 101stAirborne Division paratroopers. Oopsy! But the good news is that afterwards we went back and found most of him!

So, you feel free to keep offering us suggestions on how to unscrew the mess you got us into. We Afghans are thrilled to know that we have a military genius like you right behind us, every step of the way.

And after all I’ve done for them!

* * *

March 1, 2011: Worst. Oscar. Telecast. Ever.

* * *

March 4, 2011: I so need to get out of this place if just for one night. So many wives with so many petty grievances….my 72 virgins don’t even have to be beautiful or willing as long as they are mute.

* * *

March 7, 2011: #Winning! Yes, this Charlie Sheen pleases me. He is the perfect symbol of American decadence. In fact, he amuses me so greatly that I will behead him last.

* * *

March 12, 2011: You know what I miss? The ocean. I sure hope I get a chance to go swimming again soon.

* * *

April 8, 2011: You know, maybe if newest wife Amal wasn’t so uptight and a little more willing to try new things that might go a long way to getting Lil’ Osama back in the jihad, so to speak. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with some role playing to spice things up, and I don’t think I should have to wait for my birthday to try a session of “Strict Iman and the Infidel Whore.” And if she wants, she could even be the Infidel Whore this time.

* * *

May 1, 2011: Up late composing a May Day message for all the leftists suckers out there who think we’re their newest, bestest pals. Yeah, that’ll last after the Caliphate comes. Not!!!!!!!! Anyway, I….wait, there’s a knock at my door. First, those damn helicopters flying around and now this. Can’t a mullah get some mullah time around here? Be right back……

[Diary ends]

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