Russia Declares War on ‘Zombifying’ Fidget Spinners

PARIS, FRANCE - MAY 20: In this photo illustration, a child spins a 'Hand Spinner' on May
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The latest curious fad to sweep the world is the fidget spinner, a seemingly harmless toy that Russia’s government has determined is actually a sinister hypnotic weapon that turns young people into anti-Putin zombies.

As CNN reports, Russia’s consumer protection agency issued a warning to parents that fidget spinners are being “aggressively promoted” to their kids, who should be supervised by adults when they play with the devices.

Probably not coincidentally, Russia’s state-owned Rossiya 24 television network produced at least two reports on fidget spinners that noted they were popular souvenirs at the massive anti-corruption rallies which have bedeviled President Vladimir Putin’s government. Putin gadfly Aleksei Navalny was even seen playing with one during one of his frequent court appearances, although he did not seem to enjoy the experience very much. He had more fun denouncing the Russian consumer protection agency as “a gang of freeloaders sitting on our necks.”

One Russian journalist described fidget spinners as “an instrument for zombifying” people through a form of hypnosis.

“It’s a mystery why it only recently became so popular in Russia. Who is pushing it into the masses?” asked another.

“Those who understand political technologies, they understand very clearly that this simple thing is controlling the masses,” declared a third.

Of course, Russian opposition leaders could not concoct such an insidious device without help from America, which has been struggling mightily to catch up with Japan’s dreaded Pokemon weapons of mass distraction. The New York Times found sharp-eyed Russian investigative journalists noting that fidget spinner packaging often has writing in English but not Russian.

In fairness, the NYT goes on to note some real problems with fidget spinners, such as ball bearings that could be swallowed by children, excessive playing with the toys by school students, harmful substances concealed inside them, and wealthy eccentrics buying $17,000 gold-plated models. The Verge adds that there are fidget spinners with Bluetooth modules that can explode. Also, Kim Kardashian is reportedly selling designer fidget spinners. The Kardashian spinners might be considered an act of war if they ever turn up in Moscow.

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