FARMVILLE, Va. | America, consider yourself warned.
If you run Donald Trump off from the American political scene, you will have ruined your last, best chance to Make America Great Again and be forever condemned to torturously boring political debates the likes of which we saw here Monday night.
Who won? Mike Pence, obviously, because he seemed to understand just how annoying and tedious the whole thing was with Tim Kaine constantly butting in like a little loser twerp on the playground who has confused “having all the answers” with “being cool.”
But who really won? Nobody. Except maybe Major League Baseball, which saw a massive surge of starved television refugees wandering hopelessly through the channels, shellshocked by boredom, trying to get away from the mindless blather that was sucking the life out of any poor soul who tried to watch the debate.
Who won? Certainly not the American people, who have grown fat and spoiled on the great political spectacle that has been this year’s presidential race. What that debate was really missing was a showman. Someone with a sense of timing. Comedic skill. Some daring. Someone who knows how to deliver a cutting insult and sell himself in any situation.
What that debate lacked was, well, Donald Trump.
I don’t know, Mr. Trump would have been a great moderator. Maybe the Commission on Presidential Debates — an insufferable outfit of do-gooders dedicated to boring the innocent American voter to death — would object to such excitement on the grounds that it might benefit one of the candidates over another. Well, it’s no different than letting Lester the Media Molester Holt moderate a debate with Hillary Clinton in it. It couldn’t be any more unfair than what we saw from that moderator lady here in Farmville.
But, okay, fine, don’t let Donald Trump moderate the debate. How about letting him be time-keeper? He could sit between Howdy Doody Kaine and Glass of Warm Milk Pence and keep track of how much each politician spouted their political pablum.
Mr. Trump could make duck lips, close his eyes and nod approvingly when Mr. Pence said his political words. And when Mr. Kaine made political words, Mr. Trump could stop his nodding, droop his head a little and pop open his mouth and eyes.
He would not have to utter a word and the whole thing would be a thousand times more interesting.
To be honest, the only one who really seemed to enjoy the debate was Mr. Kaine’s large left eyebrow. Did you see that thing?
It was jumping and dancing and fluttering and at one point strapped on black leotards and pink leggings and broke into an entire yoga routine with arched back hissing cat and downward dog and then stretching fruit tree.
Mr. Kaine’s left eyebrow consumed so much of Mr. Kaine’s political face energy that it threatened to entirely shut down whole right side of Mr. Kaine’s face, which nearly went completely limp. That poor, flaccid right eye, hooded by a sleepy and sluggish eyebrow would go dim as his left eyebrow danced and pirouetted across his political forehead.
The enthusiastic eyebrow got so worked up at several points during the debate that it nearly became dislodged fromMr. Kaine’s face. It pulled away from his face and stretched open his eye socket so far that it looked like Mr. Kaine’s left eyeball might just pop out of his political head and go rolling around on the Commission on Presidential Debates-approved political debate table.
That would certainly have made political history and been most unfortunate for Mr. Kaine and his long-suffering family. But at least it would have been interesting to watch.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter via @charleshurt.