This just in! Embalmed D.C. journalist Bob Woodward has proof that President Trump killed 200,000 Americans!
The president “possessed specific knowledge that could have saved lives,” Mr. Woodward claims about comments Mr. Trump made back in February as the federal government began grappling with the emerging global pandemic sparked in a “wet market” in China.
“It is one of those shocks, for me, having written about nine presidents,” Mr. Woodward says haltingly, as he peddles his latest book.
“Historians are going to be writing about the lost month of February for tens of years.”
And what, pray tell, oh great Oracle of Deep Throat, will historians be writing about the month of January? You know, that month that comes BEFORE February, when Democrats in Congress shut down an entire branch of the federal government to pursue a hopeless, partisan impeachment against Mr. Trump.
Democrats ground the federal government to a halt for a silly show trial even as the pandemic marched across the globe onto our shores. Tell us, Mr. Woodward, how many tens of years will historians be writing books about that?
And, master of Deep Throat fantasy, will those historians write books in which they make up quotes in fictionalized scenes that may or may not have happened? You know, the way that you make up quotes in fictionalized scenes that may or may not have happened?
How about you check in with Deep Throat in a darkened below-ground parking garage and let us know what you find out.
Or maybe you should consult your fellow Deep Throat enthusiast, Carl Bernstein, who hasn’t quite been able to convert his Woodstein fame into a career of fictional quotation books the way you have.
Apparently less comfortable making up quotes and fictionalizing scenes, Mr. Bernstein has opted instead for peddling breathlessly stupid and unhinged opinions.
“This is one of the great presidential felonies of all time,” Mr. Bernstein declared into the little camera at the top of his computer screen.
“And we have the smoking gun tape of the president committing the felony,” he said, referring to 18 taped interviews Mr. Trump granted Bob Woodward.
“Let’s talk about what this really is,” Mr. Bernstein continued. “This is kind of a homicidal negligence.”
And this is supposed to be the smart one? I am starting to think that maybe Richard Nixon was innocent after all.
But this is what passes as “journalism” in our nation’s capital these days.
First of all, it’s entirely opinion. That opinion is based on “quotations” that are twisted and mangled out of context to fit a pre-arranged narrative. And then it is all shoe-horned into a book of made-up quotes and fictionalized scenes.
The only good news here is that the Deep Throat vote has already been entirely accounted for. Anybody who reads Bob Woodward’s book or listens to Carl Bernstein yell into his computer has already made up his mind about whom to vote for.
Come November, all this hysteria will have zero impact.
Woodstein and the Deep Throat addicts in Washington will have to find another way to steal this election.
• Charles Hurt is opinion editor of The Washington Times. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or @charleshurt on Twitter.