'You've Been Gored': UN Climate Change Convention

As the UNFCCC – that’s United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change – frolics in Durban, South Africa for 11 days of cocktails, crab legs and planet saving, what better time for another excerpt from YOU’VE BEEN GORED.

The UN is in the world government business, make no mistake about it. And our current domestic regime is more than happy to embrace and comply with UN edicts – oh how they love to embrace and comply.

Planetary Citizens, meet your new Uncle Sam. And prepare to embrace, comply and bleed, with:

ECO TAXES

Once the richest country on earth, America is hopelessly broke. So it prints trillions at will — each fresh buck devaluing the previous one. Now, the most gargantuan, wasteful, polluting, unsustainable machine ever created – the U.S. Government – must drill for fresh revenue. But where? Greeniacs have the answer. Tax our every breath, because we are all greenhouse gas producers/polluters and therefore responsible for global warming/climate change/Gaia’s suffering.

We must financially atone for our eco sin-living.

One dare not complain. You won’t cooperate and help SAVE THE PLANET? We’ll seize your business/assets/life.

Politicians eye enviro issues like bus depot pimps scoping farm girls – which ones can be whored out and for how much money?

Eco taxes will provide an all-encompassing reason to siphon our paychecks.

A plastic “bag tax” (already law in Seattle) is proposed by the Los Angeles County Board of Super-imbeciles until an all-out ban goes into effect. (Why Super-imbeciles? Because only super imbeciles could dream up and promote – at taxpayer expense — a 40-hour “Ban on Murder” [April, 2008] during which time there were three homicides and a dozen attempts.)

Meanwhile, Angelenos will continue to endure drive-by shootings, a school system that’s a national joke and Gordian traffic. But they’ll be safe from plastic bags. (No word yet on banning plastic boobs or plastic people.)

Other California municipalities have banned Styrofoam cups and food containers in government buildings – even though Styrofoam is recyclable and plastic-coated cardboard – which will replace all that Styrofoam – is not.

Maybe we all need to carry our own food utility belts equipped with Swiss-army knife and a spork. A tin cup and a plate for mush will come in handy, too. Blinged, portable tableware jouncing around Kardashian hips will make it fashionable and sexy. Restaurants should work like mess halls – line up for your dollop of slop.

The People’s Republic of San Francisco wants to inspect residents’ trash bins to be sure they’re recycling properly. If done incorrectly, they’ll be fined – up to $1,000 and/or lose their garbage pickup service.

Meanwhile, San Francisco has the most acute homeless problem of any city in the U.S. Its streets remain a gauntlet of unfortunates. It doesn’t look as if the City by the Bay is too concerned about them, but goddessdammit, they’re gonna lick the recycling problem.

Maybe the city can give the homeless jobs and badges and let them do the inspections. They know a lot more about trash bins than politicians.

There will be additional taxes on gasoline and home heating oil, gas and electric. How about taxing the land your home sits on? The structure is blocking the earth, which might otherwise be covered with 0₂ producing vegetation. It’s already under consideration in some municipalities.

Why not mandate all new vehicles be manufactured with GPS that beams your mileage to the federal government so your every trip becomes a toll trip. It’s a great way to keep tabs on citizens. Insurers already offer discounts for those willing to spy on themselves with on-board digi-tattlers.

Doesn’t every mode of travel create pollution? Prepare for eco-surcharges on trains, planes, ferries, taxis, roller coasters, toboggans – if it moves, they’ll tax it.

Greeniacs also want to impose taxes on radio frequencies – (cockeyed rationale being the atmosphere they travel through is global property and frequencies are pollution) – like the ones used by your satellite dish, remote units, cell phone, garage-door opener, kids’ walkie-talkies etc., etc. Ditto “ocean use,” whatever that may be.

Your body-size and level of activity will be used to compute the volume of C0₂ and methane you produce. Playing tennis? That will be an additional $10.00 please, to offset your increased CO₂ production. Having the Grande Chimichanga at La Cantina? Watch for a methane offset surcharge on your tab.

How much more authority will Uncle Sam wield when demanding your money not for your safety, but the safety of the planet!?!? Backed up by IRS muscle, he’ll take whatever he damn pleases.