Blue State Blues: Civil War Rages in Breakaway California Republics

Blue State Blues: Civil War Rages in Breakaway California Republics

EUREKA, Jefferson (July 18, 2018) — Leaders of the breakaway Jefferson Republic say they thwarted a daring amphibious assault this morning, sinking three hovercraft and capturing a submersible drone emblazoned with the distinguishing insignia of the Hackers, the elite force of the Kingdom of Silicon Valley. 

A representative of the Zuckerberg monarchy denied any involvement in the attack: “King Mark would never have authorized it.”

Meanwhile, fires burned out of control across the marijuana plantations of the upcountry, destroying the cash crop that has kept Jefferson afloat through eight months of civil war. The fires are thought to be the work of agents from North California, the Marin County-based government that is the only one of the Six Californias to have retained its allegiance to the U.S. government since the conflict began in the late months of 2017.

Tensions had been building ever since Congress rejected legislation that spring that would have ratified a vote by residents of the former California to split their state into six separate U.S. states. 

Timothy Draper, who had funded the initiative, had vowed to press on through the courts, but was ousted by a shadowy group of Silicon Valley billionaires who deemed him too moderate to continue as leader. (He now resides in Austin, Texas.)

The billionaire junta declared independence in December 2017 as the People’s Incubator of Silicon Valley. Yet in the midst of an Occupy Wall Street-style “general assembly” in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park, at which residents of the entire region argued for three days over the presence of a quorum, the junta was overthrown by Facebook mercenaries. The blue flag of the new monarchy–the “Like”–has flown over the southern Bay Area ever since.

A few weeks later, a ragtag army of aging Hollywood action heroes, led by George Clooney, mounted a successful raid on King Mark’s fleet of private Facebook and Google buses, crippling the entire tech industry. When the Kingdom retaliated by releasing the private information of members of Clooney’s militia, residents of West California rallied around Clooney, electing him governor and nominating him for several awards.

Sensing both danger and opportunity, Hollywood director Robert Rodriguez–of Machete fame–fled to the desert and raised his own army, recruiting child soldiers from the tens of thousands of illegal aliens dumped in the region by the U.S. government since 2012, and declaring loyalty to Mexico. 

Panicked farmers in the Central Valley declared independence as the Free Republic of Central California and elected Michael Savage president.

Former California governor Jerry Brown remains in exile, squatting in the West Wing of the White House in Washington, D.C. under the protection of President Hillary Clinton. He continues to issue carbon permits, and urges Californians to re-unite, so that they may again dream of a high-speed railway linking all of the Six Californias. He has been joined by Nancy Pelosi, whom rogue kidnappers returned after a ransom went unpaid.

U.N. Secretary-General Barack Obama has urged all sides to agree to a cease-fire. Though reluctant to commit UN peacekeeping troops, he has sent two batallions of soldiers under Bangladeshi command to guard Pebble Beach and Torrey Pines, which were declared UNESCO World Heritage Sites this past March at his direction. 

Obama has not spoken to the breakaway leaders directly, though he recently “liked” King Mark on Facebook.