Madam Candidate of the People was in her magical mystery conversion van, flying over the cornfields of Iowa taking enemy fire. This required evasive maneuvers that launched her coterie of handmaidens, purse-holders, and security guards all around the plush leather cabin of the magical, age-reversing van.
Heroically, Madam Candidate of the People finally landed in war-torn Iowa and dodged down the runway, pocked with mortar-blown craters. The master sorceress of disappearing emails and reappearing Rose Law Firm records then switched her magical mystery conversion van from flying mode to driving mode.
Without regard for her own safety or self-respect, Madam Candidate of the People then embarked on a tour of the malnourished and impoverished urchins of the squalid state of Iowa.
Before arriving in Iowa, she and her handmaiden Huma, donning dark sunglasses, had gone undercover in an Ohio Chipotle, understanding that this was supposed to be very popular with The People. She ordered something called a burrito bowl, also popular among The People, especially the Mexican-oriented ones that are most highly valuable to anyone in Madam Candidate of the People’s present line of work.
The Chipotle visit was a spectacular success in that nobody recognized her and she avoided eye contact or other dirty contact with any of The People of Ohio, which is every bit as squalid as Iowa.
Granted, she has not actually steered an automobile in 19 years and quite possibly has never in her life pumped a gallon of her own gasoline, but Madam Candidate of the People is most at home with The People. And she is not running for gas station attendant! But that doesn’t mean she wants to talk to them or interact with them.
After all, she knows what it is like to be flat broke — whilst negotiating a 10-bajillion-dollar book contract about her experiences living eight years of magnificent opulence in the world’s most exclusive mansion.
Conspicuously absent from Madam Candidate of the People’s campaign for Final Coronation (at last!) was her husband, Bubba, who suffers from lifelong twin maladies of a wandering eye and the even more mysterious Tourette’s physical groping syndrome. There is, Madam Candidate of the People has learned, no known cure for these two conditions. At least no cure that is widely accepted in modern medicine and clears Constitutional guarantees against cruel and unusual punishment.
But this is all very strange — Bubba’s absence — considering that nearly every word of every page of Madam Candidate of the People’s resume is, specifically, the word “Bubba.” Except the parts that go into great detail about his wandering eye and Tourette’s physical groping syndrome, for which Madam Candidate of the People joined a national support grope. I mean “group.”
Also absent from her long march down the aisle to her coronation is her predecessor, Obama the Queen Slayer. Not that there is any love lost between the two of them. After all, Obama the Queen Slayer owes his very name to Madam Candidate of the People and her most humiliating demise at his hands in 2008 when she was a full seven years less old than she is today.
The reason it is so strange for Obama the Queen Slayer to be absent from Madam Candidate of the People’s coronation kickoff is that the only other fig leaf of experience she talks about is the job that Obama the Queen Slayer gave her after she so spectacularly lost out on the job she so desperately wanted.
At least she does seem to make apparent references to Obama the Queen Slayer.
“Americans have fought their way back from tough economic times,” she said in a video message conveyed to The People by her operatives. “But the deck is still stacked in favor of those at the top.”
So, she is saying, after eight long and tortured years of Obama the Queen Slayer in charge, The People are getting totally hosed. And Madam Candidate of the People is here to finally put a stop to all the abuse at the hands of Obama the Queen Slayer.
Really, we, The People, do not deserve her!
Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and on Twitter at @charleshurt.