Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Melanie

Lately, I have had this odd urge to stalk Chelsea Handler except that I accidentally quit drinking so I can’t figure out how to casually chat her up at the SkyBar bar in West Hollywood, but perhaps my back-up plan of flashing my ginormous ta ta’s during a taping of her show on E! might work. Or maybe I should ring up her little Mexican nugget Chuy, and let him know that the gal who wanted Bill Keller of the New York Times tried for treason for publishing secrets during wartime is on the phone and wants to chew the fat with Chelsea, and straighten her liberal ass right around.

The reason I bring up my disturbed fascination with the scatological inclined blonde bombshell is that I just finished reading her New York Times bestseller – “you go girl!” and Chelsea seems to be quite smitten with that sex kitten B. Hussein Obama.

The Inaugural festivities IN OUR NATION’S CAPITOL (I always capitalize that phrase out of respect for Washington, D.C. and I like to shout on the Internet and piss off the protocol cops, but I digress) are about to begin, and as a conservative Republican I am feeling left out.

Blue(ish) here in California, as it were.

I am sure that my invitation to the Obamarama is going to arrive any minute now. I have Rahm Emmanuel on my speed-dial and I am positive he and Chelsea have it ‘handled’ it for me.

If this party e-vite doesn’t get here pronto, I suppose I can watch the fire-farters, cosmic clowns and other assorted Hollyweirdos on TV.

Speaking of that dinosaur communications box, I am quite disturbed that the Obamapalooza featuring Bruce Springsteen aired on HBO. I mean, really, isn’t The Chosen One supposed to be a man of the people?

How come it costs some serious scratch to see Ashley Judd, Garth Brooks and Tiger Woods lovin’ up their man? That’s just RACIST, man! Poor folk can’t afford HBO, they need to be viewing these artists for free.

But we can fix that. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, I propose that anyone under the poverty line of $750,000 yearly receive an HBO bail-out so that we can all be the same under the skin. And we’ll throw in the DVR. No need for austerity at a time like this.

Difficult times call for creative solutions.