The New and Improved Deal

In my never-ending quest to 1) tell the truth, and 2) amuse myself to distraction by thoroughly pissing off the Left, I’d like to say a few words about the upcoming Signing of the Stimulus Bill. Considering the expense involved in flying the President’s posse, I mean Executive Entourage and Security Detail, aboard Air Force One, one would have to ponder…why Denver? Why not some other location for this historic event to occur? Washington, D.C.? On the East Coast… or the Left Coast? No, the President is putting his siggy on the largest spending bill in history…in Denver, Colorado. Smack dab in the middle of the country. I mean, how Centrist can the man get? How symbolically inclusive, how fair and balanced, how non-partisan?

And you said this guy is all style over substance.

I started posting on Andrew Breitbart’s wonderful website, Big Hollywood, six weeks ago today. I gave myself the assignment of coming up with one column a week. Generally, writing requires thinking, and thinking is hard work. (Which is why, along with the arrogance, so few on the Left actually engage in it. Thinking, not writing. Writing without thinking is a trademark of the Left, elevated to an art form, actually, and mostly supplanted with the ever-popular, Writing Without Thinking, But Jam-Packed With Plenty of Feeling.) But I digress.

Some have asked me to post daily. Or every two or three days. To which I say… Nah. Apart from my contributions to this website, I actually do have a life. Writing on a daily or semi-daily basis would eventually reduce me to musing upon morning routines of coffee grinding and muffin toasting, and genuflections of the current state of my navel, or perhaps render me to my ongoing dog poop clean-up complaints (I mean, seriously… he’s got these huge strips of lovely green lawn…does he have to poo on the driveway every day?)

So…being a believer in the Nothing Happens By Accident theory…I find that my eighth posting on Big Hollywood (okay, I found some time, I did violate my one-post-a-week rule, twice…so sue me.) comes on the day that legislation, which will change the world forever, is signed by Barack Obama, President of the United States of America. Wow — that’s the first time I’ve ever said his name and title in its entirety. I just felt a big KA-GUNG go off in my soul. Like a huge iron door being opened.

Or slammed shut.

But all these past several weeks, in the aftermath of the inauguration, I have heard people from all sides of The Argument speak in the most civil, cordial and hopeful terms. And by the way – God Bless America — that we live in a country whereby the succession of power can be handled not with armed force, but in a peaceful, stable and orderly fashion. In the past couple of months we’ve experienced and are experiencing a sea change of government power and the correspondent prevailing ideology. Big adjustments are taking place, and we’ve seen enough precursors to give me and many of my colleagues the chills, if not total apoplexy. And now, we’re staring down the barrel of the biggest Porkulus Power-Grab Spending Scheme ever enacted…oops, I mean, the ‘Stimulus Bill’. Pretty much the only thing it’s going to stimulate, as I see it, is a lot of warm fuzzy feelings from the Left, that we’re all being taken care of, and finally, finally, we have a leader who really cares about us. And it is sparking ire and disgust from the Right, for being the wasteful, irresponsible and insidious mechanism of our socialism enslavement that is truly represents.

Today, 787 billion dollars of our money gets put into the hands of our government for them to figure out how best to spend it for us. You and I and Mary and Joe and Kim and Renaldo down the street aren’t bright enough to spend our own money. And even though government intrusion into the wheels of business and free markets put us into the sharpest economic decline in recorded history, we have decided to give them just one more chance to make things right. Or at least until they need more money. Which, by my reckoning, should be about the early spring sometime. Of this year. Just a couple months away.

But you know…a few hundred billion here and there… Pretty soon you’re talking about real money.

And I do not give President Bush a free pass. A Republican, and supposed Conservative, he presided for six years over a Republican House and a Republican Senate, and government spending reached what was at that time unprecedented heights. Except for one, the Presidential Veto was used only in the last two years of his presidency, and then quite sparingly. Twelve vetoes total, setting a 200 year low-veto record for any president in modern history. Don’t get me wrong, I like President Bush. Loved his steely resolve in fighting Islamofascist terrorists and keeping this nation free from attack post 9-11. A good man with a good heart. But…stalwart defender and standard bearer for the Free Market Enterprise system of Capitalism in America he was not.

Regrettably, he and the weak-willed, let’s-get-along-with-liberals Republican Congress kicked off what was at that point the biggest government spending orgy in our history. And when the dust settled and we awoke November 5… the United States of America was suddenly a socialist country. We now rival Europe in Marxist leanings. But it’s ‘change.’ It’s ‘progressive.’ It’s ‘moving forward.’ Never mind moving forward to what. We’re on the move and we sure hope to hell this thing works.

Now that’s the hope and change we can believe in. I think…?

But, we’re strong, we Americans. We’ve suffered astounding natural man-made disasters before – hurricanes of unimaginable intensity… the horrific attack on the Twin Towers…an economic collapse of inestimable calamity…and my ex-wife. But personal nightmares aside, we are a stout lot, we Americans…and we will even survive an Obama presidency and a Pelosi/Reid Congress.

The first thing we need to do, to get in line with The New Way…is to accept that racism is done. It’s over, a thing of the past. And what better way to usher in this idea, than a man who is both White and Black. White mother, Black father. Universal appeal and I do love it. So, we’re done with the whole “a Black man could never be prez thing” cuz…he’s done it! Good. Glad to get that out of the way, quite frankly. Personally, I wished this historic event had starred someone closer to my own philosophy and values…like Thomas Sowell, Walter Williams, or Larry Elder, but hey…’you can’t always get what you want,’ as Mick used to say. Mr. Obama seems a fine man…albeit heavier on style than substance, but a decent human being, and so I say – let’s give him a chance.

Let’s give him a chance to remind Americans that Socialism is a stupid idea.

But I’m getting with the new way, the New and Improved Deal. I’ve already begun to adapt. This morning I switched from coffee…to tea. French organic Peppermint Tea. I’m considering cutting down on my intake of red meat. In fact after seeing two partially-clad women kissing on the new PETAL add (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and Lesbians) I’m considering going full-vegan. Except for a big juicy steak now and then…and of course chicken…and lots and lots of fresh fish and sushi.

And do I really need that big SUV in the driveway? I’m thinking of switching to a smaller car, maybe a hybrid. I’m thinking Volvo…or Subaru. Those all sound pretty environmentally aware. In fact, I’m fed up with my big Sequoia. It had Automatic Traction Control problems heading up to the mountain in the snow and I had to flatbed it to the shop today. And as it’s driving away, I remembered to copy down the license number on the tow truck. Because even though the driver was very charming and likable…I’ve known some of these guys to simply take off with a car. Steal it outright.

Wait a second. A charming and likable guy…stealing my valuable property? Déjà vu all over again!

Ahhh…. I’m probably just being paranoid.