The answer from Congress is a resounding “Yessiree-bob, you betcha!”
Big X here, broadcasting live from my regular booth at the swanky Peacock Lounge, high atop the mighty Breitbart Tower on Sunset and Cherokee in the bleeding heart of Tinseltown, U.S.A.!
Pack up all your tears and woes, listeners. Hard Times are over! Our new President, Barack Obama, has leapt from his corner fighting in peak form, delivering a devastating first-round K.O. to the impending economic meltdown with the passage of his Stimulus Package! Yes, folks, I hear the greenbacks are flying off the presses so fast that workers at the U.S. Mint are crying out to Congress, “Slow down, boys! You’re spending it faster than we can print it!”
Hot dog! Let’s take a look in the goody-bag!
2.5 billion for broadband grants to rural communities! Free wireless for sodbusters! I got two words for that: Yee-haw!
A 19.9 billion dollar increase in food-stamps! Mmmm-mm! Now that’s a lot of mac-and-cheese!
And what’s this…? Yikes! Look out, dead-beats! Obama’s got your number and it’s a cool 1 billion for Child Support enforcement!
The anticipated results of this spactaculicious Government spending-spree? According to Team Obama, 2.5 million jobs will be created in just the first year alone! Wait… I spoke too soon!
Attention! Disregard my last report! Team Obama now projects 3.7 million new jobs! No! Wrong again! Hold on to your hats, folks, I can’t keep up with the teletype! And… whoa-nilly! Team Obama has released yet another projection: Over 4 million new jobs! Yes, ladies and gents, that’s a four followed by six big fat bee-yutiful zeros, a whopping 160% increase since my last paragraph!
Our waiter, Rodrigo, has been kind enough to bring an adding machine to our table and my lovely assistant, the delightfully buxom Miss Montenegro, is cranking out numbers with the agility and single-minded deliberation of an ancient Roman galley-slave!
Pull, Miss Montenegro, pull!
What? No, my dear, we can’t afford a comptometer! Folks, her exquisitely manicured digits are a blur over the Bakelite buttons as she punches in the final figures and… here it is! The tape, please…
Wait? Could this possibly be correct?! Holy-moley, folks, it’s 100% officially certified! Obama’s new Stimulus Package will create 350,000 new jobs each and every month! And that’s working from numbers that are a full two paragraphs and one exclamatory aside old; numbers that, by now, may very well have even doubled or, dare I say it… TREBLED??!!
Why, at this rate, by the end of Obama’s fifth term, every true-blue, shovel-ready American guy, gal and tot in all 48 states will be gainfully employed, care of everybody’s favorite rich uncle.
Yes, lords and ladies, I’m talking about good old Uncle Sam!
Thank you, Mr. President!
Hold on! Miss Montenegro is frantically waving her hand for my attention and… corrections, folks! That number includes both, jobs created and saved! I repeat, jobs created and saved.
What’s that, Miss Montenegro? How will they keep track of jobs that are saved? Why… who knows? More importantly, who cares? A job saved is a job earned, I say! Now be a dear, light my Havana and have Rodrigo bring me another one of those yummy Manhattans…
That’s all the time we have, folks. Until next time, this is Big X reporting live from Hollywood. And remember, Picky people pick Peter Pan peanut butter.
This is Big X, out!
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