Somali Pirates Too PC for Hollywood and Obama

In a dangerous and dramatic throwback to eras long thought dead, pirates are once again actively threatening lives and property of honest seafaring men along the African coast.

The situation presents a perfect opportunity for:

A. Hollywood to produce an exciting action/adventure film based on real world events.

B. The American president to make a rousing and pointed statement on his firm support of the rule of international law on the open seas and how he’ll defend the safety of his citizens if endangered anywhere on Earth.

I predict you have a better chance of being abducted by said pirates at your local McDonald’s than you have of seeing either of the above actually occur. Why? Both Hollywood and Obama are held hostage by the same childish, simple-minded worldview that curses all hard left art and politics (a refrain I’ve sung before and will chirp about again): “The strong are always bad. The weak are always good.”

You might say, “Wait! Aren’t armed pirates the bullies here? Aren’t they ‘strong’ movie villains?” They can’t be because, no matter how many unarmed merchant ships are taken at the point of their assault rifles, no producer in Hollywood is likely to make a movie with African villains. It’s not politically correct to pose ethnic minorities as antagonists — even when they’re not really ethnic minorities because the story would take place in Africa.

So, you’re not likely to see Bruce Willis lead a team of Navy SEALs onto the deck of a rusting freighter full of cutthroats unless you can find a way to cast wealthy western European and American men as said pirates. Actually, I might be on to a pitch there: “Bruce Willis takes on a team of American CEOs (fired from their jobs by the Obama Administration) who turn to a life of piracy off Somalia.” I’ll call my agent.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Obama literally has nothing to say about the Somali pirates taking an American captain prisoner. It’s a no-win scenario for the president to open his rarely noiseless mouth on this crisis. After all, those pirates are most likely poor and frightened. It wouldn’t be enlightened and compassionate to tell the captors to let the American citizen and his crew go lest Navy snipers unburden their skulls of their brains.

Even worse, they probably don’t speak English and have never been inspired by one of the President’s speeches. Would they let the crewmen go free in return for copies of Obama’s autobiography and this month’s edition of Oprah’s magazine? No. That could backfire. They might doubt their own ability to take more innocent men hostage at gun point until they realize, “Yes, we can!”

The bottom line is, if you want Obama to take forceful, vengeful action, you’re going to have to find some rich Americans he can punish for their rude success. And, if you want Hollywood to make a modern pirate movie, find a Somali warlord Ralph Fiennes can play.