Dear Hollywood: It's Over Between Us

Dear Hollywood,

I’m sorry, but things just aren’t working out.

That’s hard to hear, I know, and believe me, it’s hard to say. After all, we’ve had some great times together. But let’s face it – those great times are few and far between these days. In fact, things have been going downhill for a while now, and we both know it.

Remember when we would be together all the time, three or four times a week, even? Well, how often have we been together this year? Three or four total, I think, each time more painful and embarrassing than the last. The Watchmen? Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? How did it come to this?

I guess my feelings began to change when your interest in CGI, which I thought cute at first, became your full blown obsession. Suddenly, that’s all you seemed to care about, and everything you made began to look like a goddamn cartoon. Well, I’m sorry. I’m just not that into cartoons.

By the way, about all those times I told you “Oh, that CG looks so real…I couldn’t even tell” – I faked it. It looks like shit, and doesn’t fool anyone. About time someone told you to your face.

And there’s something else that you need to hear: Your politics have made you a bore.

Oh, I know we’ve disagreed politically for a long time. But that can be fine, healthy even, in a relationship, so long as each party at least respects the other’s point of view. And that’s just it: I don’t feel like you respect me at all anymore, and I’m beginning to wonder if you ever did.

You’ve always been happy to take my money though. That much, at least, I could always count on.

It’s all so depressing. I remember we had that brief rekindling in 2008 with Iron Man and then The Dark Knight. For a while there, I felt toward you like I hadn’t felt in ages. I was happy. But it’s clear to me now that that was a last gasp of a once passionate romance. The disappointments and embarrassments of the last year have put the poor, suffering thing at last out of its misery, and buried it under an ash heap of memories and what-might-have beens.

And do I even need to mention the betrayal that was Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? We’ve never talked about it, but I have to ask: How could you? Words can’t express how sick that made me. Most of all I’ll never forgive you for making me feel dirty and ashamed, even though you were the one responsible. I look at my original Indy trilogy DVDs now, and can scarcely hold back my tears…is there no precious memory you won’t taint? It’s not enough to ruin my present, you have to reach back into my childhood and ruin those wonderful moments as well?

I’m looking at Rotten Tomatoes as I write this, and know that I am making the right decision – every movie out right now is thoroughly “rotten” except one: The Blind Side. Really, The Blind Side? That’s the best you can do? Well, I’m sorry, it’s just not good enough. Maybe you can’t do any better, but I sure can.

I’m sorry, Hollywood; it’s over. Don’t call, don’t text. And don’t try and woo me with promises of Iron Man 2, or another Spider Man. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of telling myself it’ll be different this time, and tired of feeling like a fool and a sucker when it isn’t. I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed. Most of all, I’m just tired of giving you my money and getting crap in return.

I wish you luck with the overseas market. They seem to like crap, and hate America almost as much as you do – I think you were made for each other.

Yours Sincerely,

Matt