Dear Nickelodeon, Is the 'Ninja Turtles' Reboot with Jason Biggs for Adults Only?

An open letter to Nickelodeon’s West Coast Vice President Ariana Urbont:

Dear Ms. Urbont,

I understand Nickelodeon is doing a reboot of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” featuring Jason Biggs as Leonardo – the leader of the TMNJ.

TMNJ was one of my favorite shows from age five to seven. I’m fairly sure anal bleaching and grooming were not featured on the show in the late ’80s and early ’90s. I’m sure because I didn’t know what anal bleaching was until Leonardo informed me on his Twitter feed while attacking the wives of prominent politicians.

I want to thank you at Nickelodeon, by the way, for directing me to Jason Bigg’s Twitter feed, or I would have never been able to teach my wife about bleaching (it’s a whole new world back there – thank you Nickelodeon from the bottom of my heart).

Unfortunately my second eldest was also directed there. I just want a clarification about the contents of this project because I don’t want my children learning about anal cosmetology until they are at least 8-9.

Studies show that children are very preoccupied with their appearance between the ages of 5 and 7, and I don’t want them to feel self conscious about their rectal pigmentation at such a delicate age.

Furthermore, research shows anal bleaching can be dangerous and is not recommended for use on children under the age of 7, so I don’t want them getting any harmful ideas. And at this time my wife and I cannot afford laser anal hair removal for the kids, either.

Also, while I regularly teach my kids to win disputes with those with whom they disagree by sexually demeaning their wives, I think Leonardo may have gone a bit too far. My daughters wear a modest bra size, so I find ridiculing Janna Ryan’s tits to be out of bounds, even if it were just Raphael or Donatello.

Is Nickelodeon reinventing the Turtles as a porn quartet by any chance? Because if so I might want to see it even if we will have to hire a baby sitter. I’m worried though because April is the only woman, and while I’m sure she will have a pristine asshole, four turtles with one chick doesn’t really work for us.

Thank you for your understanding and assistance,

Simon and Maria Templar