Charlie Sheen, moral arbiter of our age, decided he would lend his intellectual firepower to the attacks on Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty with a twitpic rant that rivals anything Shakespeare ever wrote.
Sheen was reacting to the comments in GQ that Robertson made about sinners in general, and homosexuality in particular.
Sheen started with this:
hey Mallard brained Phil Robertso! you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine, who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do. well news flash shower-dodger, I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
Shower-dodger? Does Sheen mean to imply that he himself is pure as the driven snow? Maybe we should ask his ex-wife Denise Richards, who claimed he was too unstable to take care of his children, or his ex-girlfriend porn stars Jayme Langford and Jana Jordan, or his current flame, porn star Brett Rossi.
But we digress. Sheen continued:
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off, you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media beat down.
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you) your statements were and are abhorrently and mendaciously unforgivable. the idea that you have a job outside of dirt-clod stacking is a miracle. the only ‘Dynasty’ you are attached to might be the re-runs of that dated show. the only thing you should ever be in charge of building is a hole in the ground the exact size of your head. perhaps your beard would fit as well if you plucked out the army of scabies and bull weevils sequestered deep in it’s sarcophagus of dander and weasel pelts.
Sheen is correct. All right-thinking people would rather have their daughters around someone clean-shaven like Sheen, who shacks up with porn stars and has to fight for custody of his own children, than a bearded Bible-believing patriarch of a close-knit Christian family.
The conclusion of the Sheen meltdown?
shame on you. you’re the only surviving brain donor I’ve ever known. when the gators and Egrets kick you out of their hovel, you need to make serious amends to those you have radically offended. on the eight day when I was whittling my cosmic banjo, I’m pretty sure YOU were the scattered dross I then used to light a fire and locate the nearest Andy Gump.
repulsed by you; c sheen
hash tag; Duck; that was me.
Sheen is repulsed by Robertson? The man whose tabloid career has no equal judging a Bible-believing Christian family man?
Who would have guessed?