Live, from the Situation Room, the Executive Broadcasting System Presents The EBS Evening News with Robert Gibbs
GIBBS: Good evening. On our broadcast tonight:
When the bow breaks–Saudi King Abdullah issues obeisance dispensation to President Obama for upcoming audience.
Tell it like it is–defiant TSA sends message to critics, changes name to Tough S**t, Agitators.
Sharia, Baby–Islamic reprise of 60s rock classic hits No. 1 on Iranian charts.
And finally, movie takes: Representative Dennis Kucinich to star in Alfred E. Neuman biopic.
Those stories and more later, but first we talk live with the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Welcome, sir. Thanks for coming on.
OBAMA: My pleasure, Chris.
GIBBS: Uh, it’s Bob Gibbs, sir.
OBAMA: Oops, sorry, Bob. When you put your hand on my knee, I thought . . . .
GIBBS: Never mind, sir. Let’s address foreign policy tonight. Czechoslovakia and Poland indicated today that they’re against the new START treaty you’re pressuring the Senate to ratify. What’s their problem?
OBAMA: They’re still ticked because I broke my promise on missile defense and hung them out to dry, Bob.
GIBBS: You did what you had to, sir.
OBAMA: Exactly. With the Bear awake, we couldn’t have protected them in the long run, anyway. Actually, it’s to our advantage to let Eastern Europe fall into the Russian orbit again. That’s why I’m giving away the store with START–to embolden the Rooskies.
GIBBS: Please explain, sir.
OBAMA: A lot easier to downsize our military if we aren’t resisting Russian expansionism, Bob. In fact, the only way to check a new Russian Empire is to encourage one resembling the old Soviet model.
GIBBS: Are you saying we should welcome the reconstitution of the Warsaw Pact, sir?
OBAMA: Absolutely, Bob. We also stand aside when Putin gobbles back up the post-Soviet states. Why? In a flash, Russia becomes big, bloated, and hidebound again. More territory to defend, obscene military budgets, restive populations. Meanwhile, we’re sitting pretty on the sidelines watching it all go down.
GIBBS: I think I understand, sir. Instead of becoming a sleek new superpower, Russia turns into the Soviet Union 2.0., a lumbering, doomed giant.
OBAMA: Correct, Bob.
GIBBS: Let me play devil’s advocate, sir. Wouldn’t this strategy forfeit our leverage with Putin–and get us nothing in return?
OBAMA: Letting Russia assume our responsibilities as a counterweight to China and Iran . . . that’s nothing, Bob?
GIBBS: Our European allies–are they on board, sir?
OBAMA: Not exactly, Bob. And I don’t care. Here’s where I agree with Republicans: Old Europe has been a drain on us since World War II. About time another superpower looked out for those failed states. Why not Russia?
GIBBS: So, you’d encourage Putin to extend Russia’s sphere of influence to the Atlantic?
OBAMA: Yes, and here’s how: U. S. sponsorship of the first “World Peace Conference” at NATO Headquarters in Brussels. On opening day, I’d deliver another of my signature orations, this one an international riff on Rodney King’s “Can’t we all just get along” plea.
GIBBS: Forgive me, sir, but everybody knows by now your speeches are full of ground round and curry, dignifying frothing.
OBAMA: That hurts, Bob. Actually, this address will have substance. I’ll label NATO a relic of the Cold War and call for its disbandment.
GIBBS: That makes sense, sir. No NATO, no confrontation when Russia moves west. Mr. President, what’s the status of the economic initiative you’re rumored to be working on with Putin? Word is, it’ll ease the transition to Russian hegemony on the Continent.
OBAMA: Almost there, Bob. We’ve agreed to prop up the ruble by manipulating Western currencies. Russia guarantees delivery of natural gas to our former allies, except in time of war or international tension. Best deal we could get. Oh, and Putin wants our backing for what he’s calling the Greater European Co-Prosperity Sphere.
GIBBS: Has a nice ring to it, sir.
OBAMA: I’ll swing by Moscow to sign on to the pact next month at the end of my “Golf on Every Continent Holiday World Tour.”
GIBBS: Uh, Antarctica, sir?
OBAMA: U. S. Army Corps of Engineers guarantees McMurdo Country Club will be ready when I arrive. Greens will be slick.
GIBBS: Sir, some actions you’ve described to me may appear to others as signs of weakness.
OBAMA: So be it, Bob. If no one considers us a threat, why would anyone threaten us? Fact is, we are the world’s foremost importer, with over 300 million voracious consumers. Anything jeopardizes our economy, the whole world goes belly up. So, mess with us, and fifty countries come down on you like ten tall buildings.
[enter Michelle]
MICHELLE: I want to visit Costa del Sol one more time before the Russians move in. You hear me, Barack?
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