Holder, Sheikh Khalid Talk Guantanamo on The EBS Nightly News

ANNOUNCER: Live, from the Mess at the White House, the Executive Broadcasting System presents The EBS Nightly News with Jay Carney.

CARNEY: Good evening. On our broadcast tonight:

• Senator Graham calls for extradition of Koran-burning pastor to Pakistan.
• EPA mandates fuel nozzles reconfigured to fit only Chevy Volts.
• California Governor proposes “Debt Tax” on deadbeats’ estates.
• Wisconsin teachers’ paramilitary units seize Legislature.

Those stories and more later, but first, a conversation with Attorney General Eric Holder and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who comes to us on a satellite feed from his home in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Welcome, gentlemen. Thanks for coming on.

HOLDER: Pleasure, Bob.

SHEIKH: May Allah grant you mercy in the end times.

CARNEY: Um, Ok. General, will the Sheikh’s military . . . .

HOLDER: Trial’s off, Jay. The President’s afraid it would have enraged people like Mustafa Walid, who sells goat meat in a Kandahar bazaar.

CARNEY: Oh. What’s Plan B?

HOLDER: The President authorized me to take dramatic action on Gitmo to regain his credibility with Joy Behar and independents, Jay. As we speak, SEIU hires are on their way to Gitmo to replace military personnel. When they’ve assumed control, I’ll dispatch federal marshals to pick up prisoners for transport to an Illinois lock-up.

CARNEY: How does that . . . .

HOLDER: The marshals arrive to find SEIU and detainee picket lines deployed around the facility. And who’s standing shoulder-to-shoulder with them, singing “We Shall Overcome”? President Obama, who had flown in secretly earlier after getting word that I’d gone, uh, rogue.

CARNEY: A Mexican stand-off.

HOLDER: Hardly. The President has Williams, Couric, and Sawyer with him. On live television, he orders the jackbooted thugs home. Our base is pleased, and independents admire the President’s cojones.

CARNEY: Machiavellian. But just a short-term fix, General. Over 150 jihadists remain at Gitmo, off a high of 700 plus during the Bush regime. Why is anyone still there?

SHEIKH: Excuse me. Am I–how do you say–a potted plant?

HOLDER: [rolling his eyes] Here it comes.

SHEIKH: Azerbaijan’s president has offered to take two of my associates for a year before they’re allowed to escape; in exchange, he reasonably requests a state dinner and a round of golf at Congressional.

HOLDER: We countered with lunch at McDonald’s and a bucket of balls at East Potomac Driving Range, Jay. Impasse.

CARNEY: Rumor is, you and the Sheikh co-chair the super secret “Gitmo Working Group,” which will make such horse-trading moot. When will you report your conclusions to the President?

HOLDER: Soon, Jay. We’ll present him with two options that close the prison but keep the remaining man-made disaster suspects on ice until we’re legally bound to return them to the battlefield. Khalid?

SHEIKH: Option One: General Holder does an end run around Congress and offers us asylum in America.

HOLDER: We’d house them at a Best Western in Mecca, Florida while the Army Corps of Engineers completes a maximum security seaside resort nearby.

CARNEY: Mecca, Florida?

HOLDER: Khalid’s idea, Bob. He wants to be a good neighbor. Says if we put it on the map, pilgrims making the Hajj will go there by mistake and spend money. Here’s a brochure the Sheikh developed to sell his fellow detainees on the move.

CARNEY: [reading] ” . . . coastal enclave . . . . dining and entertainment hub ringed by ethnically dedicated neighborhoods–Yemeni Glen, Afghan Acres, Uighur Court, Saudi Meadows . . . .” Impressive. Maximum security?

HOLDER: Absolutely. No expense spared to protect our guests from local yahoos.

SHEIKH: Your benefit: the resort’s a magnet for jihadists; you won’t have to chase them all over the planet. Our benefit: it’s a haven for the burn-outs who need R & R before returning to the field. Win-win.

CARNEY: How would you get word to al-Qaeda’s far-flung network, sir?

HOLDER: Ad buys on Al Jazeera and MSNBC, Jay. Our pitch: ”Jihadists! You do not have to die to attain Paradise. Come, come to America.”

CARNEY: What’s Option Two?

SHEIKH: The Saudis finance construction of “Bayside Villas,” Guantanamo’s first high-end condo development. Right after we move into our units, I incorporate the Bayside Villas Homeowners Association.

HOLDER: The Board then votes to remain in their gated community on Cuba’s east shore. President Obama respects their decision. End of story.

CARNEY: Neat. Are you in agreement on a choice?

HOLDER: It’s Florida, Jay. In a humanitarian gesture, the Administration will cede Gitmo to Castro, helping him accommodate his exploding population of political prisoners.

CARNEY: Sheikh, will you pursue the American dream during your Florida sojourn?

SHEIKH: Absolutely. I intend to acquire property near the community and build Osama Town™, a working al Qaeda hamlet similar to your Old Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts. We’ll feature daily hand loppings; workshops on cave redesign; and children’s recitals, like, “The IED in the Dead Cat Next to the Hat.” Perhaps Disney would be interested in a reciprocal relationship.

CARNEY: Sounds interesting. Hey, you’ll need a PR guy. I know a fellow named Gibbs who . . . .