Shalom TV Exclusive: Obama Announces Conversion to Judaism

An Interview with President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama

May 1, 2011

MAX RESNIK: Welcome President and Mrs. Obama. Sir, I assume you agreed to appear on Shalom TV because polls show your support among Jews cratering?

OBAMA: Correct, Max. Since Election Night 2008, my approval rating in the Jewish community is down from 80% to 40%. As I said to my aides, oi vey.

RESNIK: Mr. President, short of declaring without reservation that you believe Israel had nothing to do with 9/11, how can you possibly turn those numbers around before November 2012?

OBAMA: I want Jews to start paying closer attention, Max. Are your viewers aware Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan recently called me “the first Jewish President“? Or Joe Biden saying “I am a Zionist” on this very network in 2007? How about yesterday, when I ruled out a freeze on Jewish construction on Manhattan’s Upper East Side? And, and . . . .

MICHELLE: Go ahead . . . tell him.

OBAMA: Well, you heard it here first, Max: I’ve changed my named to Barach [Baracchhk] Obauma and converted to Judaism.

RESNIK: Whoa.

MICHELLE: My idea, Max. Now we can play both the race and anti-Semite cards.

RESNIK: But . . . conversion rituals may take anywhere from six months to a year. You live in a bubble, Mr. President. When did you do this?

OBAUMA: April 6. I was in New York talking education at an event with Al Sharpton. Only it wasn’t me. It was Saturday Night Live‘s Fred Armisen filling in for me.

RESNIK: Where were you?

OBAUMA: At Bed n’ Beth El, an African-American Reform synagogue on Chicago’s South Side. Rabbi Ezekiel Okombo agreed to fast-track my conversion. To anticipate your next question, I chose “Reform” rather than “Orthodox” because I wasn’t willing to give up my Saturday golf at Burning Tree Country Club.

RESNIK: Sounds like a conversion of convenience, sir.

OBAUMA: Wrong, Max. I commemorated Passover this year by sneaking away to Arizona’s Dunes Resort and playing 40 holes in the desert, straight through.

RESNIK: Shows commitment, sir. Ah, a delicate matter, how . . . .

OBAUMA: Rabbi Okombo accepted without question a certified copy of my Certificate of Circumcision, Max, which I petitioned Hawaii to release to me.

RESNIK: About the Armisen substitution, sir. Who knew?

OBAUMA: Just Michelle and Defense Secretary Gates. Worked out fine, except when Fred started fooling with the “nuclear football.” Gates aborted the launch with minutes to spare. No harm, no foul.

RESNIK: Mr. President, many Jews wonder if you’ll help Israel in a death struggle with Hamas, Hezbollah, and Iran.

OBAUMA: Name someone who’s tried harder to prevent the situation from escalating, Max. Earlier this year I said to Netanyahu, “Let the Palestinians have their country back, and I’ll use the Feds’ eminent domain power to carve out an 8000 square mile enclave for you guys in West Texas, in the, uh, Crawford area.” He just laughed and accused me of wanting to stick it to Bush 43.

RESNIK: Sir, I asked if you would come to Israel’s aid in a crisis.

OBAUMA: Of course, Max. I warned Ahmadinejad last year American warships would brook no interference when they pick up Israelis Iran has driven into the sea.

MICHELLE: Baruch . . . .

OBAUMA: “Baracchhk,” dear.

MICHELLE: Baracchhk [cough cough] has guaranteed refugees of the coming Israeli Diaspora right of return to Brooklyn, Max.

OBAUMA: All down the road. In the short term, I’ll focus like a laser beam on the major threat to Jewish-Americans: bible-thumping Evangelicals. On my order, the FCC now monitors the Christian Television Network for hate speech and exempts Jewish World Radio from the Fairness Doctrine.

MICHELLE: The President’s religiosity is going to play a big part in the 2012 campaign, Max. Beginning Sundays in January, we’ll televise non-denominational services live from the East Room on Presidential Productions, LLC’s first show, White House of Worship. Each week will feature an ordinary American Democrat telling the audience of a miraculous government intervention in her life.

OBAUMA: In related news, my proposed Cabinet-level Department of Guilt and Self-Flagellation organized this week under a temporary administrator. At the Senate’s next break, I’ll recess-appoint Michelle to take over. She’s looking forward to her role as America’s official Jewish Mother.

MICHELLE: Baracchhk believes it’s long past time our government coordinated efforts to take responsibility for all the bad things that happened in the world before he became President, Max.

RESNIK: Sir, your approval rating is down across the board. You’ll need more than the Jewish vote to win reelection.

OBAUMA: We’re pursuing the standard Democratic Party “building blocs” strategy to offset the Republicans’ advantage among rational voters, Max. We’re depending on our “white guilt” liberals, our academics and coast intellectuals, Big Labor, undocumented Americans, federal employees, the transgendered disabled, so forth. We turn these folks out, instead of an Inaugural Ball, I’ll throw the biggest bloc-party in history.

RESNIK: Your most important constituency, sir, aside from African-Americans?

OBAUMA: Absentee voters, Max. They always cast ballots in numbers disproportionate to their existence. [glancing at watch] Well, we need to run.

RESNIK: Thank you for coming on, Mr. President. And shalom. Perhaps you’ll visit us again soon.

OBAUMA: Inshallah, Max. [then looking at Michelle, who is glaring at him] What? Oh. Excuse me, Max. Got a little ahead of myself there. We’re due at the CAIR TV studios shortly, where I will make an important announcement regarding . . . .

MICHELLE: [interrupting] Say “Shalom, Max,” Baracchhk.

OBAUMA: Shalom, Max, Baracchhk.