Archaeologists unearth Book of Hagel; prophesies for Senate's Jews

Archaeologists working at a dig site near the Dead Sea in Israel have uncovered a long-lost ancient text that appears to prophesy doom for the twelve Jewish Democrats in the U.S. Senate for their failure (thus far) to protest or oppose the nomination of former Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE) to the critical position of Secretary of Defense. The following is a rough translation of the ancient text, which dates back well over 2,000 years.

The Book of Hagel (Chapter 17)

1 Hear, O Israel! Thy Senators are in hiding. 2 Like the sons of Jacob, they emerged to lead their States; yet in the hour of need, they fled like chaff in the wind. 3 Schumer was the first among them; yea, he led the richest of lands, an Empire of gleaming towers. 4 Alas, when the enemy came, he bowed his head; white as ash, he worshiped a would-be king. 5 Him have I scorned; the leader’s gavel shall I grant to his rival from Illinois.

6 My son Blumenthal I once blessed; with mighty wrestlers he strove and triumphed. 7 Yet in the hearings he was humble, praising whom he should have cursed. 8 A teller of tales is Blumenthal, a false witness to battle; him shall I expose. 9 Upon his Connecticut I have cast a plague of snow, four cubits high: 10 With great difficulty shall his brethren loose their chariots from the ice; with great wrath have I banned them from the tourney.

11 Levin did preside; in his hands I placed the evil Hagel’s fate. 12 Yet as Saul spared the Amalekite, so did Levin sheath his sword. 13 He hath called a vote, and it availeth him not; he hath cried “Enough,” yet his rivals persisted. 14 I shall divide his committee; with great toil shall he pass his appropriations. 15 On his head be the sequester; empty shall he find the Treasury, and he shall cry out for the easy votes and earmarks of yore.

16 Feinstein the Elder judged her people in the West; verily, she turned their weapons into ploughshares, she emptied their magazines. 17 Yet the enemy of Israel she did not disarm; to him she offered her people’s surrender. 18 Her Intelligence did not guide her; she knew the truth but did not speak. 19 I shall scatter her many votes; heavy shall her State’s debt be for many generations; yea, the thin buds of hemp shall swallow the fat.

20 To Boxer the Younger did Hagel crawl; like the tempting serpent he came. 21 He sent letters of atonement; he flattered her with promises; he made offerings on her altar. 22 He proclaimed his conversion; in his armies man would henceforth lie with man, and be not an abomination. 23 I shall curse her with a homely title; forsooth, Generals shall call her “ma’am,” and not Senator. 24 She shall complain, and they shall hear her not.

25 Wyden did I bring out of California, to serve the Beaver State; Wyden did I favor with many election victories. 26 Even when he helped Paul Ryan cast grandmothers from the mountaintops, I did not turn My face away. 27 He spurned J Street; yea, he signed the AIPAC letters. 28 Yet he hath held his tongue on Hagel, while he hath made haste to oppose Brennan. 29 I shall deny his Ducks forever; the BCS title shall they seek in vain.

30 From the land of the Sopranos did I revive Lautenberg; in his dotage did he return from the wilderness to lead My people. 31 The corrupt Torricelli he did replace; judges did rule in his favor. 32 He cursed the ports of Dubai; yet now he cannot find his words. 33 The evil prophet utters his rebuke, yet Lautenberg holds his breath. 34 I shall take feed his doughnuts to a Governor; consumed shall they be by Christie’s great appetite.

35 Schatz is a cuckoo among vultures; his Senate seat is a dying man’s wish denied. 36 He walks unsteady among his peers; none offer him counsel. 37 The ruler hath elevated him, yet Hanabusa shall have her revenge; a great host shall she bring to his tents. 38 On Hagel he says nothing; he is a sorcerer without magic. 39 He shall be primaried; to the far islands he shall return, his name forgotten, a pillar of salt on the plain.

40 A socialist is Sanders; though he claims independence, he serves a master. 41 Him have I have tolerated; his accent have I found strangely endearing. 42 Yet on Hagel he is numb; no great wind fills his sails; yea, his wind is broken most foul. 43 That which he would denounce, he now accepts; his courage is a clay shard, a broken vessel. 44 He is cursed with two left hands; in circles shall he continue to wander, seeking his donkey.

45 Franken is a jester without wit, a frivolity without deeds. 46 He followed the well stone, but could not draw water; he walked down J Street and found a path leading nowhere. 47 He gazed at the mirror, and saw My writing upon the cue cards; neither good enough, nor smart enough, nor beloved shall he be among multitudes. 48 His ten thousand lakes shall I freeze; his Vikings shall waste early draft picks on secondary talents.

49 Bennet is a lost son; from a womb of Israel he emerged, but did not acknowledge. 50 Therefore Warren is his spokesman; her family lore is enough to place her within My tribe. 51 Massachusetts is a failed State; no leader from the Commonwealth shall again be the head of My flock; I have spoken My Judgment. 52 She chases the money-lenders but not Hagel; him would she ignore. 53 Nothing shall she be, but Most Liberal Indian.

54 Cardin is My last hope; he alone kept My counsel when Hagel spoke. 55 The last guardians of Israel on the Hill cry out to him; still he hath not spoken, nor hath he retreated, but awaits My sign. 56 The sign is this: Hagel polls poorly. 57 Let Cardin heed wisdom, and the Ravens shall repeat. 58 O Israel, thy twelve tribes lay all but abandoned, thy great lobby no longer feared. 59. Let not thy votes be wasted on a wicked fool!