Nolte: ‘Fast & Furious’ All-Girl Spinoff Is Exact Opposite of Woke, Gender-Swapped Reboot

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Universal Studios

Flannel, zombies, and The Fast and the Furious – that’s the full extent of my cutting edge credentials. Before flannel was a thing, I was wearing flannel. Thirty years before zombies were the rage, I was sitting alone in movie theaters watching zombie movies. Ten years before The Fast and the Furious became a billion-dollar global franchise, I was watching the first one on a practical loop. I love this franchise; have since the beginning, which means I feel somewhat protective towards my discovery. I don’t want to see it exploited and cheapened — which, sadly, has already happened…

Hobbs and Shaw…? Not so hot. While I certainly understand the studio’s desire to turn its biggest (and aging) franchise into a full-blown universe, Hobbs and Shaw was basically Dwayne Johnson’s empty-headed ego trip, a movie about nothing more than CGI and forced banter.

Unfortunately, Hobbs and Shaw also made more than $750 million worldwide, which means we will probably get more of the same; which is the long way of saying an all-female Fast & Furious spin-off, that we are told is in the works, could stink.

That doesn’t mean, though, it’s a bad idea.

What’s more, if this spin-off does come about, we should not make the mistake of lumping it into the growing pile of stupid, all-lady, woketard remakes and reboots we’ve been suffering through since the Ghostbusters went full-vagina.

To begin with, the Fast & Furious female characters are already well-established. From the beginning, and long before this woketard assault on human nature began, Fast & Furious gave us tough, independent, sympathetic, and sexy female characters capable of holding their own without sacrificing their femininity. What’s more, these are women who love men, who don’t hector and lecture about how useless and awful we all are.

As long as the spin-off remains faithful to that, why wouldn’t we want to see characters we already love in their own movie?

I do have one suggestion, though….

Would it be okay if the all-lady Fast & Furious dared to be a little sexy?

Hey, I’m not asking for porn or even nudity; I’m just asking for a little cleavage, some side boob, a tight dress, some T, some A… Come on, what’s the harm? If a woman is willing to be objectified and men are willing to objectify her, is that not a relationship between consenting adults?

I’m not saying you don’t give the girls some attitude and skills beyond their hotness. We want them to kick ass. I’m all for that… But this plague of sexlessness infecting movies today, this appalling Puritanism that was unheard of even at the height of the Studio Era and the Production Code… It absolutely sucks.

If I’m not being too candid, part of the fun of going to the movies is, was — yes, getting a little turned on.

Don’t you miss that?

I miss that.

So please don’t make the all-lady Fast & Furious only for girls; don’t make the same mistake Ghostbusters, Birds of Prey, and Charlie’s Angels made and proceed under the assumption there are enough brittle, dried-out, joyless feminists out to make your blockbuster a hit.

You need us, you need us guys to show up, and if you shit all over us, you will not only have another expensive woketard disappointment on your hands, you’ll mar the entire franchise.

You know, the Fast & Furious franchise is not a hit just because of all the stunts and action. It’s also a hit because it’s unpretentious and inviting; it’s the American melting pot in action without sanctimoniously announcing it’s the American melting pot. It’s about men being men, women being women, burning fossil fuels, and family.

Stay true to that, avoid the woketardiness, set it ten years ago so Gal “hubba-hubba” Gadot is able to return, and I’ll be in the front row on opening day.

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