The Ten Things I Want For Christmas


Merry Christmas, everybody. I haven’t opened all my presents yet. But here’s what I’m hoping for by the end of the day. (Sorry for the absence of explanatory links. But it’s Christmas and I can’t be arsed).


1. Global warming to be proved right. I’m not sure what “global warming” is – and I’m not sure they are either – but I think it’s time we gave these guys a break. They’ve had it pretty rough since Climategate – five years spent being made by reality to look complete idiots. At Christmas, especially, we need to reach out to the afflicted. We should think of them like green Tiny Tims.


2. Dominic Cummings to replace Sir Jeremy Heywood as Cabinet Secretary. The words simply do not exist to describe how infinitely better this would make everything.


3. A day’s foxhunting/staghunting with you. Oh and a bombproof nag, if you wouldn’t mind. Otherwise, my wife won’t let me because we can’t really afford it.


4. Russell Brand finally to be revealed as Sacha Baron Cohen’s best creation yet.


5. Everyone held hostage by Islamic State and Boko Haram to be released. I know it’s not going to happen but it would be nice, wouldn’t it?


6. Snow. Where’s the snow? I thought this was going to be a White Christmas. I wanted a White Christmas.


7. Every third wave feminist social justice warrior out there – especially those on the wrong side of #Gamergate – to get themselves a boyfriend. They don’t deserve one but my goodness do they need one.

Oh, and my supplementary wish is that any man who parades the fact that he is a “feminist” should be banned permanently from having sex.

Lonpicman / Wikimedia Commons

8. The entire workforce of ambulance-chasing human rights lawyers Leigh Day and Public Interest Lawyers to be sent out to help Islamic State take Kobane. Good luck chaps!


9. George RR Martin to stop being a celeb and communing with wolves – and get a few more Games of Thrones out, sharpish. Otherwise how are we ever going to find out whether Winter actually does come and whether the white walkers are really the threat they were cracked up to be at the beginning or whether they’re just a bunch of ice-skeletal pussies.


10. The editorship of the Guardian. As we’ve seen at the Telegraph, a paper’s politics needn’t be fixed in stone. And I think we can agree that the Guardian has had a good run for its money as the left’s house journal. There’ll be a few minor changes – George Monbiot to Industry Correspondent; Suzanne Moore to Court and Social; Polly Toynbee editing our new look Page 3; Christopher Booker our new environment ed and Godfrey Bloom in charge of the Women’s page. But we’re keeping Alexis Petridis as chief rock critic. He’s the best.