Celebrate the Holidays the 'You've Been Gored' Way: Festive Ideas for Believers and Skeptics Alike

LARRY BLEIDNER

With just a few shopping days until Christmas, “You’ve Been Gored” offers….

Holiday Ideas for Green Grinches & Climate Change Believers!

CCB – that’s Climate Change Belief – is a religion. It has a God (Gore) and prophets/saints (DiCaprio, Sting), but where are the holidays? Christmas and Chanukah offer great reasons to eat, drink and get crazy. But ALpostles, convinced that all human activity damages Gaia, are such a gloomy bunch.

So enviro-doomsayers, pull up an old cable spool next to the artificial, non-denominational log, grab a bowl of recycled waste-punch and get in the spirit with these fun holiday ideas.

Here’s a Grinchy carol you can sing (but not too loudly — that produces too much CO2.).

I’M DREAMING OF A GREEN, GENERIC HOLIDAY SEASON

(Sung to the tune of White Christmas)

I’m dreaming of a green, generic holiday season

the kind this planet used to know

where there are no damn people

or non-secular church steeples

or Humvee tire-tracks in the snow

I’m dreaming of a green, generic holiday season

with every hemp-pulp, soy-ink card I write

may our days be somber and few

’til there’s no more GHGs, and no more you

Green Holiday Cards

Have you noticed the new trend in holiday cards? In lieu of a Nativity or Menorah, there’s a goofy abstract. On the back, it tells how the card was made of recycled condoms, Big Gulp lids and pureed medical waste, then printed with soy ink. It claims that profits are going to the sender’s pet charity – usually something green. How sweet. And utterly meaningless.

Want to be a Planet Savior this year? Recycle and re-address last year’s card.

The Burning MANnenbaum (for CCDs – Climate Change Deniers)

To Deep Greens, having a whorishly decorated tree-corpse rotting in your living room is SICK. Who cares what they think? Blend old with new traditions, and have a BURNING MANNENBAUM.

Sure it will take a little extra doing, but isn’t that what the holidays are all about?

Grab the chain saw, hop in the Kenworth, and drive out to where the old-growth pines loom large. Pick your victim and slice it down. When you’re done, treat yourself to a couple cold ones, and be sure to leave the empties on the stump as a warning to the rest of ’em.

Once you get the tree home, raise it up with a block and tackle. If this is a tad daunting, google “Industrial riggers;” they’ll take it from there. Have them bring a cherry picker so you can get up high enough to carve arms and legs on it. At dusk, douse it with your accelerant of choice and brighten the neighborhood with holiday cheer.

Estimates claim one Burning Mannenbaum leaves a 27,000 ton carbon footprint. Let the Deep Greenies have their “Composting Dude.” Your Burning Mannenbaum will be seen from satellites and remembered by neighbors for years.

Your efforts will light up the kids’ faces (and your zip code), save a tree from winding up as pulp for DiCaprio’s inevitable biography, and might just be your introduction to some fine civil servants from the fire department and law enforcement.

Have some punch and cookies on hand for the merrymakers this majestic sight will surely draw!

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