Clutching her pearls, Hillary Clinton is stricken. Horrified! Disgusted that Donald Trump would dare to remind voters about all the depraved debauchery she and her lecherous husband inflicted on the innocent American citizen for all of those years.
The poetry books, the cigars, the groping, the hotels, the blue dress, the presidential DNA, the rapes and the biting of the lips.
America has been stuck in the venereal disease clinic ever since in a desperate effort to finally get fumigated from all the Clinton sleaze. In truth, we will never get clear of all of it.
And now, The First Lady Who Will Not Go Away is banging on the door in her ruined stockings and streaked mascara demanding to be let back into the White House because it is her turn. We owe her.
Mustering every ounce of dignity she could borrow from the wealthy slime balls she runs with, Mrs. Clinton trotted out aides to tell reporters that she will not “follow Trump in the gutter.”
Well, finally. That is, at least, an admission of sorts. Indeed, it was a gutter from which she and her husband emerged 25 years ago. And ever since, they never quit stinking up the American political scenery and then lying about everything.
The woman cannot even give a straight answer about how tall she is. She was once 5 feet, 4 inches, but in 2008 her campaign announced she was 5 feet, 5 inches. Now reports are swirling that she is 5 feet, 7 inches.
Some people will lie about absolutely everything.
“Here we go again?” asks the savage video takedown posted by Mr. Trump that chronicled just a few of the women who say they were assaulted by the libidinous Bill Cosby, er, I mean Bill Clinton.
Cue the unbearable cackling from The First Lady Who Will Not Go Away.
The split-screen shows the Trump video with Bubba chomping a cigar on one side, while his wife is trying to get back into the White House on the other.
Then another split-screen: Bill Cosby admits drugging and raping young women.
Somewhere is Bill Clinton saying in his dirty, raspy voice, “You know, you give me one more split-screen and I just might get excited.”
Wait. There is another split-screen! The infamous Kenneth Starr who doggedly pursued Bill Clinton’s sordid trail of lies and torn lingerie faces termination from Baylor University where he has served as president.
Why? Because Mr. Starr failed to pursue doggedly enough allegations of sexual misconduct in the university’s football program.
If only Bill Clinton had been so lucky.
Charles Hurt can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter via @charleshurt.