It may not help the struggling University of Florida football program, but one Florida Gators fan has decided to take matters in his/her own hands, posting a want-ad for a new football coach on Craigslist.
The Gators possess a 3-3 record. Missouri just dismembered the Gators in their own stadium last Saturday, 43-13. Head coach Will Muschamp’s record at Florida stands at a middling 25-19.
The ad, titled simply, “Head Football Coach Desired,” is a hilarious mix of biting criticism and longing for former head coach Steve Spurrier. It begins, “The state of Florida’s flagship university is seeking a Qualified Candidate to develop and implement an exemplary football program while providing leadership on and off the field. This position should be available no later than Midnight Saturday, November 29th, but as soon as early morning Sunday, November 2nd.”
Under “qualifications,” the writer lists:
- Applicants must have previous head coaching experience: “This is not a stepping stone job, nor does it offer OJT or other preparation for a job in the NFL or other university in the future.”
- An even temperament:” Composure includes but is not limited to 1) not screaming at players & referees regularly as a result of your own shortcomings, 2) resisting facial expressions suggesting you are ready to commit violent acts on the sideline, 3) not taking personal shots at other fan bases on live tv after barely winning a game you should have lost, and 4) not looking like a deer in the headlights when things go wrong… repeatedly, caused on the field by your own first-teamers.”
- Understanding the winning tradition at the university: “Winning games against in-conference rivals as well as the women’s college (aka the clown college) down the road … Ability to win games against glorified high schools and junior colleges, aka “cupcakes”, especially when the contest is held on the university’s own campus. (A tacit reference to last year’s loss to Georgia Southern.)
- Reestablishing the home field, AKA “The Swamp,” as a place to be feared
- Singing the alma mater after every game with the team on the field
- Scoring more points than the other team
- “Ability to start a quarterback that can discern between Gators players and opposing players when throwing passes. Said quarterback must also never possess any form of lubricant on hands (butter, baby oil, etc) when holding a football during game conditions.”
- Must not be a graduate of the University of Georgia.
- Must have clean bill of health and agree to all medical screenings, to include the ruling out of any potential chest pains and esophageal spasms. (Attn: Urban Meyer)
Other added requirements were controlling his wife and not having the last name Zook (a former Gatos head coach). In a poignant plea to former Gators head coach Spurrier, who compiled a legendary record including a national championship, the fan wrote, “If your last name is Spurrier, you can skip the interview process this time. Seriously. We’re sorry. Very sorry. The job is yours. We’ll help you pack. Name your price. Please come back.”
Capping off the ad was the address of the University’s Athletic Director.