Narco Marco: I Think I Know What Went Wrong With Marco Rubio’s Campaign

If you hear a plaintive wailing emanating from Florida today, …

If you hear a plaintive wailing emanating from Florida today, it isn’t the senator I’m calling “Narco Marco” trying and failing to reach his rumoured prescription meds off a high shelf with his EZ Grabber reaching aid.

It is instead the gibbering GOP establishment watching the campaign of their handpicked golden boy collapsing faster than a handful of grandmas fleeing a Jeb Bush event (That would actually be quite slow, but you get the idea.) Yeah, in case you hadn’t heard: Little Marco is out.

Rubio took a drubbing last week in important states like Michigan. No doubt he spent the weekend consoling himself with Pet Shop Boys albums and a strongly mixed chocolatini, readying for the big fight in his home state of Florida. Marco is obviously in the closet about his inability to gain traction anywhere besides Minnesota.

No one’s surprised Rubio got schlonged in Florida today — least of all regular dog-walkers at Miami’s Alice C. Wainwright Park.

Where did it all go wrong? It’s hard to know for sure, but I think I have an idea of what might have driven his lacklustre debate performance: Marco displays all the symptoms of someone with ADHD.

First, there is his constant need to drink water, which Donald Trump famously mocked. You’d think someone from Florida would be accustomed to hot temperatures, but not Rubio. A dry mouth and a subsequent need to constantly hydrate, are, of course, side-effects of ADHD meds.

The real kicker, though, is that Rubio was caught live on camera at the last GOP debate, consuming an unknown substance that looked very much like a pill.

ADHD medication would also explain other problematic aspects of Rubio’s performance. ADHD medications like Adderall are great at keeping you focused and awake, but they can also make you talk too quickly, repeat words, and stumble when thrown sudden questions. Sound familiar?

Trump-supporting Redditors who observed the GOP debate also smelled a rat:

Also explains the dry mouth, repeat talking, fast talking, loss of focus, hesitation trying to think of a response, and seemingly memorized responses.

If your on adderal you can study great. You can focus on something like work great. You can talk fast. What you become pretty poor at though, is thinking of something on your own quickly in response to a sudden question. It’s why students on adderal often get more time in exams, it takes longer for them to answer even though they are more focused. In other words, it explains the Robotisms.

Source: have adderal prescription

Several other responses from Redditors experienced with ADHD medication can also be found in the thread. The combination of symptoms and apparent pill-popping is impossible to ignore: Rubio is almost certainly on medication of some kind, and given the symptoms, my money is on ADHD.

The state of Marco’s campaign got increasingly grim toward the end. I understand they took to playing a modified version of ‘Marco Polo’ at his appearances, in which a blindfolded Marco gamely chases after supporters in nearly empty halls who answer “Rubio!” when he calls out his first name.

Narco Marco has a lot in common with Hillary: neither of them can pull off a public appearance without being severely medicated. Starting with his infamous water break during the response to Obama’s state of the union speech, to his current behaviour during debates including sweating, cottonmouth, and interrupting other speakers, perhaps he should try a debate or two without the pill-popping if he ever runs again.

If it’s true that “once you pop you can’t stop,” Narco Marco should at least be upfront about it. He wants to be President, after all! Among the Floridian Latinos I’ve bedded, which is a statistically significant slice of the population, Trump is called “Papi” and Marco is called “El enano con ojos vidriosos” — or, “the glassy-eyed dwarf.”

Think about how Trump would handle things if he needed to pop some pills like many believe Narco Marco did in the video above. He’d make a show of it. He’d dare the chattering classes to comment on it, and in general would own it. I mean, like, literally own it. He’d use Trump-brand ADHD pills.

There have been other issues and missteps by Rubio. Certainly there are questions about his sexuality. I wish the only parallel between Marco and El Chupacabra was their Hispanic origin and not their legendary ability to suck the life out of stronger mammals. Some have said that Rubio only ran because he misunderstood what a “GOP establishment circle-jerk” was.

Rubio has received bad advice how to battle Trump, and has made some laughable attempts to out-Trump him, going far beyond the bounds of decency in the process. Marco likes to make fun of Trump’s hands, a typically catty move common in the gay community (Marco honey, the feet are a better predictor of what a man is packing).

Trump makes fun of Marco’s vote counts and event attendance. If we look at his past, the foibles aren’t new. It took Marco 20 years to pay off $100K in loans for law school. In lawyer terms, that’s like taking a decade to pay your friend for his ADHD pills he gives you. Maybe Marco did that too!

Anyway, as I say, I feel awful. While a continuing Narco Marco campaign might have been mollifying for the party elites content to suffer election loss after election loss, it would have been hilarious for the alt-right. Imagine some of the fun things we could have looked forward to! Marco announcing his running mate is a guy named “The Machine” — since you don’t use real names in the club.

Marco committing to build a border wall, as long as it is made out of foam and has a great sound system every hundred yards. Bill Clinton famously got in trouble for his haircut budget. 20 years later, would we even bat an eye at Marco’s Astroglide bills?

All joking aside, Senator Rubio is Cubano Obama: he has done nothing but work for the government and he hasn’t done anything of note in the senate, except sell out the American people with the Gang of 8. Incidentally, like me, Marco lost his virginity to a gang of eight.

And the hits keep coming! Most recently, Romney came out against Trump like a prizefighter. What happened to the meek Mormon mouse of 2012? I hate to assume some illicit affair but isn’t he essentially saying “NO ONE TREATS MY MAN THIS WAY”?

I think we can all come to terms with the fact that Marco Rubio will never utilize all of Jack Kennedy’s secret Whitehouse date rooms with gentleman callers, but that doesn’t mean he has reached the end of his usefulness on the campaign trail, both as a nostalgia moment for the GOP elite, who barely cling to sanity, and the alt-right, which considers him Trump’s court jester.

Now Daddy has blown Rubio away in Florida, I almost feel bad. I wanted Narco Marco to stay in the race! He was the great Cuban hope of the GOP establishment, who were counting on him to mule their globalist agenda to rank and file Republicans who mistakenly think their party is for a strong America with a robust economy.

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