Maher: Given the Choice Between Cruz and Trump, I Pick Cruz

HBO’s “Real Time” host Bill Maher stated that if he had to choose between GOP presidential candidates Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz, he would pick Cruz because “Ted Cruz will be our worst president, but Donald Trump, might well be our last” on Friday.

Maher said the Republican primary is like “Sophie’s Choice,” except “Sophie’s horrible choice, isn’t that she can’t save her children, it’s that one of them has to live.”

He continued, “I almost feel bad for Republicans, although not really, because they did it to themselves. Jesus, you guys started out with 17 candidates, and somehow you wound up with Mussolini and Joe McCarthy.”

Maher then discussed the differences between Cruz and Trump. He stated, “Donald Trump is like Ebola. He’ll violently kill you right away. Cruz is more like the Zika virus. We won’t see the damage until future generations. Donald Trump wants to build a wall to keep out creepy foreigners. Ted Cruz is proof we need it. Ted Cruz has a daughter, who doesn’t want him to touch her. Whereas Donald Trump’s daughter is fine with it. He said it, by the way, he said it. But perhaps the most important difference between the two men is this, Donald Trump is the most thin-skinned person in human history, and reacts to the smallest slight, with the hair trigger wounded ego of a male flight attendant. Whereas Ted Cruz, is immune to insults, because he’s learned to live in the world where everyone, everywhere, has always hated him. Vaudevillians used to say they were born in a trunk. Ted was born stuffed in a locker. Like a growing number of Republicans, [Sen.] Lindsay Graham (R-SC) publicly supports Cruz, even as he mentions that Ted makes his skin crawl. It’s sort of like when they ask a gay actor to kiss a woman, they’ll do it, but only it’s because it’s their job. In fact, it’s exactly like that. And then there’s Trump, whose three main endorsers are Sarah Palin, [New Jersey Governor] Chris Christie (R), and Ben Carson, or as I call them, catty, fatty and batty. So that’s it, Republicans, I feel your pain. You’re stuck between a rock and a gross place, the house of a**hole or the house of douche bag? Teen werewolf or teen vampire? Verizon or AT&T? But we have to accept that being a grownup means hard choices between disgusting options. You have to decide. We all have to decide. So, let me just say, in the choice between Trump and Cruz, I foursquarely choose Ted Cruz.”

Maher then pretended to wash his mouth out with bleach, and throw up at the prospect of saying he supports before continuing, “Here’s the dealbreaker with Donald Trump. He’s a lunatic. If a non-rich, or non-white person said the thing he says, they wouldn’t put him in the White House, they’d put him in Bellevue. We can’t make a crazy person commander-in-chief. There are actual job requirements. It’s not like Mardi Gras parade king. Do I think President Trump would actually disappear people? No, but I can’t rule it out. With him, I can’t rule anything out. What does he do on day one, send Megyn Kelly to Guantanamo Bay? Or me? He’s already sued me. The president signs off on a kill list every day, and sends out the drones, and i like going outside. So, yes, Ted Cruz will be our worst president, but Donald Trump, might well be our last.”

Maher concluded by putting on a hat that read “Better Ted Than Dead.”

Follow Ian Hanchett on Twitter @IanHanchett