Jackie Mason: All The Things You Love to Eat Will Kill You

In these trying times, Jackie Mason is the Voice of Reason.

Jackie’s burned out of politics, he says in this week’s exclusive clip for Breitbart News, particularly since the Democrats are such “sick obstructionists who want to destroy anything that the Republicans suggest if it does the country any good.”

Instead, Jackie wants to talk about things that are good for you.

“Coffee. You remember when they told you coffee was good for you?” Jackie Mason asks. “An hour later, they tell you coffee is bad for you. So you should drink coffee, you can’t, maybe if you drink a little coffee it’ll save you, maybe if you drink a lot of coffee, it’ll kill you.”

“Now it’s conclusive that coffee causes cancer. I don’t know if you heard about it. Not only that, the caffeine keeps you awake all night. So not only are you dying, but you watch yourself go.”

Jackie says switching to milk won’t help, because that’ll just raise your cholesterol. So you pop a sugar in there to help with the cholesterol, but now you’re at risk for diabetes.

“So you know what you do? You have a glass of water,” Jackie says. “Now you’re safe. Except for one thing. In this country the water is so polluted that half a glass of water is comparable to three coffees, nine milks, and four teas. Now you’ve got three ways to go and you didn’t even eat yet!”

Once you start eating, it doesn’t get any better, Jackie explains. Trendy “health foods” like kale, quinoa, and chia seeds all have their own problems, particularly the chia seeds.

“You know what happens when you eat chia seeds? It grows in your stomach. So when you find that you get nauseous from it, they say, ‘That doesn’t count, don’t let that bother you. Ya have to develop a taste for it.’ Why do you have to develop a taste for this? Anybody ever tell ya you have to acquire a taste for potato chips?”

Jackie Mason says it’s the same thing with running, or any exercise, and with X-Ray machines at the dentist, too.

“He puts the tchotchke in you mouth and says, ‘This is the best thing for you.’ And you put it in your mouth, and he runs away like a sonofabitch. And he calls from Philadelphia: ‘Hello, is it out yet?”

And don’t even get Jackie started on Starbucks’ decision to close thousands of its stores in May for a “sensitivity” training day.

“You don’t have to close the stores for sensitivity training. You know why they should close the stores? Because their coffee stinks in the first place… But look how popular it became. You know why? Because people are stupid.”

Watch Jackie’s latest above.

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