What is it with Sean Penn? When he’s not busy wishing rectal cancer on his critics (and looking constipated while doing it), he’s slamming Americans who dare to say mean and nasty things about his pal Hugo Chavez. I kid you not!

In a recent appearance on Bill Maher’s HBO show, Penn showered praise on Venezuela for assisting him in assisting the quake victims in Haiti. He also claimed to have a little sympathy for those who hold America-as-an-evil-empire-looking-to-conquer-the-world views. Then he turns around and says journalists here who call Chavez a dictator (shudder) should do a stint in the hoosegow:

The collaborative opportunity in Haiti, when you talk about Hugo Chavez, and some of the other people who are demonized [think Castro], and you know, when some of these countries accuse us of an occupation – where I believe this was strictly a humanitarian action by the United States military, and an incredible one – I’m a little sympathetic. Because every day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it! And accept it. And this is mainstream media, who should – truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies.

Okay, so he’s not officially a dictator. Neither was Saddam Hussein, you may recall – he won 100 percent of the vote back in the day. How about we call Hugo “dictator in waiting” instead? Would that make Sean feel better?

Let’s take a look at some of the things Venezuela’s duly elected leader has done lately:

Meanwhile, when George W. Bush was president, Sean Penn had plenty of unflattering things to say about that elected leader, including saying Bush was our country’s “most devastating enemy,” calling for the impeachment of Bush and Dick Cheney, and calling Bush, Cheney and Condoleezza Rice “villainously and criminally obscene people, obscene human beings.”

Then there were the countless references to Bush as Hitler. What did Sean Penn think about those? Ah well, they were indulging in freedom of speech, so it’s okay.

I wonder what would have happened to our dear friend Sean if he’d said the same things about Chavez that he did about Bush were he a citizen of Venezuela. Never mind; I think I know.

I could call Sean Penn the most brilliant thinker of our time, but according to the standards set by Penn himself, I should go to prison. So scratch that.