Sebastian Stan (Marvel’s Winter Soldier) will play a young Donald Trump in the upcoming feature film, The Apprentice, which will be flopping soon at a theater near you.

Succession’s Jeremy Strong will play notorious attorney Roy Cohn. Someone named Maria Bakalova will play Trump’s then-wife, Ivana.


Billed as an exploration of power and ambition, set in a world of corruption and deceit, The Apprentice will examine Trump’s efforts to build his real estate business in New York in the ’70s and ’80s, also digging into his relationship with infamous attorney Roy Cohn. It’s a mentor-protege story that charts the origins of a major American dynasty. Filled with larger than life characters, it reveals the moral and human cost of a culture defined by winners and losers.

Who is this movie for?

First off, the screenplay will be written by — lol — Gabriel Sherman, the obsessed Fox News Hunter who has no big screen credits. Yeah, that movie will be fair and well-scripted.

This whole thing has to be a troll designed to wash someone’s dirty money.

What we can be sure of is that this is just another one of those Hollywood vanity projects and probably one that got greenlit to launder tens of millions of dollars in illicit money so awful people can feel virtuous producing something Vital and Important that no one will watch.

I’ll ask again: Who is this movie for?

Half the country hates Trump, but is half the country going to waste $20 and an evening to sit in a dark theater with the Trump Family for two hours? In 2008, half the country and most of the world hated George W. Bush, and no one went to see Oliver Stone’s W. — and Oliver Stone has talent.

Besides, don’t America’s Trump haters get their fill of Trump Hate from Jimmy and Jimmy and Stephen and Seth and CNN and MSNBC and Comedy Central? Producing Trump Hate in popular culture is like producing sand in the desert.

Who is this movie for?

Some producers looked across the cinematic landscape, saw that every single time Hollywood lashes out at Trump, the ratings crash (Oscars, Emmys, MTV Awards, etc.), and thought to themselves, Yeah, this will make money.

No, they didn’t.

Some South American child trafficker who supplies left-wing Hollywood with trafficked children desperately needs to wash $40 million, so here we go. That’s my opinion, anyway. I am still allowed to have an opinion in America, correct?

There are tens of millions of normal Americans dying for normal movies like Top Gun: Maverick, and instead, we’re getting smug girlbosses and $40 million Trump Trolls. By the way, I have no idea if the movie will cost $40 million. That’s my educated guess of how much a child sex trafficker would make in Hollywood annually.

Hollywood is beyond repair. I’m good with that.

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