One Small Step for a Man, One Giant Leap for a White Man

Patrick Connaughton

Caucasians, rejoice!

White men, or at least one white man, can indeed jump.

Notre Dame standout Pat Connaughton out-leaped everyone at the NBA Draft Combine on Thursday. Not since Allan Wells won the gold medal in the 1oo-meter dash at the 1980 Olympics have the planet’s one billion white people found such reason to drop the lacrosse stick, golf club, and soccer ball and let their fast-twitch, freak-flags fly.

Connaughton’s 44-inch vertical leap topped those of all other aspiring pros. UVA’s Justin Anderson, Green Bay’s Keifer Sykes, and William & Mary’s Marcus Thornton tied for second place—or first place for African Americans—at 43 inches. UConn’s Ryan Boatright hit the 41-inch mark.

Video evidence, somewhat more convincing than film of the Roswell landing or that grainy image of the Loch Ness Monster shown on In Search Of, proves that a). Connaughton jumps very, very high and b). Connaughton is very, very white.

That’s one small step for a man. One giant leap for a white man.

And surely, like that weirdo who Buzz Aldrin punched in the face for saying the U.S. government staged the moon landing, skeptics will charge CGI or some other means of trick photography. But it’s White Men Can’t Jump, and not the white man’s jump, that was fiction. Greg Kite? Mark Price? Jimmer Fredette? Okay, so they can’t dunk from the foul line. But Chris Anderson? Brent Barry? Rex Chapman? Those guys rebut Al Campanis, Jimmy the Greek, and Sidney Deane.

Kenny Gregory, who reached 45.5 inches 14 years ago, holds all-time the record for the combine. Unfortunately, he never played in the NBA despite his leaping ability and amazing 6’11” wingspan. He bounced around the D-league and Europe for more than a decade but never really received his shot after his leap.

Like Gregory, the owner of the white people’s vertical leap record may never play in an NBA game. The Baltimore Orioles signed Connaughton to a $428,000 deal as a pitcher. Connaughton throws heat—he reached 98 mph on one gun. But the Arlington, Massachusetts, native told Breitbart Sports earlier this year, “I’m not going to give up on basketball just yet.”

Why should he? Connaughton can jump over a child tall enough to ride Space Mountain.