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Milo Tour Rider: 50 White Doves Released Upon Entrance, No Adele, Two Dozen McRibs and a Vegan to Watch Him Eat

Resident Internet bad boy and Breitbart Tech editor Milo Yiannopoulos is hitting the road again this fall on his “Dangerous Faggot” tour, during which he’ll lecture students at more than three dozen college campuses across the country about the scourge of social justice warrior-ism, the evils of feminism and the awesomeness of “Daddy” Donald Trump — but organizers at each of the stops on the cross-country trek better hustle if they wish to fulfill Milo’s tour demands.

Milo’s tour rider — a list of items he will require upon arrival at each stop — would appear, at first glance, to be excessive.

In the green room: Two buckets of KFC Extra Crispy thighs with skins removed; 30 defuzzed peaches; two dozen de-thorned white roses; framed 8×10 photographs of both Princess Diana and Trump; a framed 5×7 photo of Jennifer Lopez (Jenny from the Block era preferred); two dozen McDonald’s McRib sandwiches, and a vegan present to watch him eat them; an on-call registered nurse; a snow-cone machine.

On stage: 50 white doves to be released upon entry; mace; a cattle prod; bear spray; a personal taser; a fog machine; and a dedicated gift drop-off table.

The rubes at the Tab may call such a list “ludicrous;” in reality, it’s barely adequate.

Four shirtless Abercrombie models? Four hookahs? Twenty international phone lines? Three Siberian Husky puppies? Eight dozen double-stuffed Oreos halved to create four dozen quadruple-stuffed Oreos? Ridiculous? That’s called common courtesy, and Milo shouldn’t give an inch on any of them.

The Hollywood Reporter says it “seems ridiculous” to impose a $7,500 fine on the venue if any Adele music is played during the event. They’re right of course. The fine should be far higher, if Milo is distracted or blighted in any way by Adele’s voice.

Milo has shown his trademark benevolence — and remarkable restraint — in providing his rider to venues well in advance of the start of the tour next month; now they better start stocking up, or else.

Check out the complete tour rider below:

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Production Rider

 

1. DRESSING ROOM

 6 x Bottles San Pellegrino, chilled

2 x Laurent-Perrier Brut NV Methuselah

3 dozen poppy bagels, seeds removed

5 x good quality Sancerre

6 packs Newport shorts

Trainer-approved snack, fruits

Fresh fruit platter, prepared in shape of capital ‘M’

4 x Japanese square watermelon

Snow cone machine

2 buckets KFC Extra Crispy thighs should be ready upon arrival; skin removed & set aside in third bucket

Bacon

Hot and cold meal options – Gordon Ramsay recipes.

Preferred meats: Veal, suckling pig

  • Use only French fleur-du-sel, Northwest coast preferred source

8 dozen double-stuff Oreos, halved & spliced together to make 4 dozen double-double stuff Oreos

Cave-aged Gruyere

A bowl and a half of green M&M’s (approx 1400)

2 x tin petrossian royal ossetra caviar

30 x peaches, defuzzed

Advil/Tylenol

Hot water (filtered), fresh honey and lemon

Coffee: Hawaiian, grown in volcanic foothills; or any non-fair-trade source/country

Cough drops

Humidifier

WiFi (2 dedicated networks, high-speed)

Central air-conditioning

Full-length mirror

Working outlets/ power strips, extension cords

2 dozen white roses, de-thorned, cut to 8-9 inches

3 pack x Scented markers

Framed,signed 8×10 photo of artist, next to roses;

NB: attendant rotate frame hourly to maintain sun aspect

Room with east & west views

Framed 8×10 portrait of Daddy; frame must be gilded/gold-leaf; placed adjacent to artist’s

Hand lotion; any South Korean brand containing horse oil banned in the USA & EU

On-call registered nurse for B-12 injections

3 Siberian Husky puppies

4 topless Abercrombie models, BLACK PREFERRED — NO gingers

Tahitian Vanilla candles, minimum 12 hour burning time

10 ‘torchiere-style’ floor lamps

Assorted ceramic tableware

Hot & cold towels (Ralph Lauren)

Framed 8×10 black-and-white photo of Princess Di, placed on windowsill

Tiara

Johnson’s baby oil (slightly heated)

Star Wars Top Trumps

Assistant to read my speech on repeat to artist

Selection of minimum 12 world capital major newspapers, ironed

20 x international phone lines

75 x $1 bills

Registered on-call acupuncturist

Strictly Non-Smoking Rooms

Carpet & upholstery deodorized

Framed 8×10 of Mariah Carey, always placed facing the doorway, set next to the white roses

Framed 5×7 photo of J.Lo  (ideally Jenny From the Block era)

20 Sudoku & crossword puzzles, 90-95% correctly completed

Mariah back catalogue, including B-sides, looping upon entry

2 dozen limited-availability McRib sandwiches, and a vegan to watch me eat them

 

  • Room must be fitted with a mihrab, 4 hookahs – berry flavors only –  and 2 humidifiers

  • Decor: ABSOLUTELY NO BUSY PATTERNS, NO CHEVRONS

  • Room temperature: 25.5-26.2 degrees Celsius

  • Any fridge doors should be glass/transparent Perspex

  • NO PHONE CALLS IN DRESSING ROOM. $5,000 fine for venues per unwarranted intrusion

  • Venue must install fresh toilet seat for artist use only

  • ABSOLUTELY NO PLAYBACK OF ANY MEDIA BY ADELE; $7,500 fine to venue per infringement

  • Metal detectors at all doors

  • Venue transportation must be a late-model black Maybach; 26-inch rims

  • Police escort during moderate-to-heavy traffic to avoid delays

  • Chauffeur All personnel must wear 100% cotton clothes. No man-made fibers

  • Security personnel should be dressed neatly and tidily. NO T-SHIRTS.

  • Venue personnel should refrain from applying perfume/cologne

  • Venue personnel must apply deodorant/antiperspirant hourly; to be checked by tour manager

  • Lesbian maintenance personnel must remain 100 feet away at all times and may not wear khakis, flannel, Birkenstocks, or plaid

  • Female staff must wear brassieres or other supportive undergarments

2. STAGE

Freestanding iPad stand

Freestanding music/notes stand

2 x San Pellegrino chilled, small bottles

Cough candies

2 x Printed copy of speech, stapled

Assorted pens

Spectacles (2 pairs)

Assistant for meet & greet

Headshots for signing

3 x Silver paint pens  (Brand: Molotow)

Bear Spray (see lesbians, above)

Fog machine

Personal taser

Hand sanitizer/wet wipes

Mace

Velvet-roped waiting queue

Dedicated gift drop-off table

Cattle prod

50 white doves to be released upon entry

 

PROMOTER/PRODUCTION REP: PLEASE PROVIDE PROMOTER AND PRODUCTION REPRESENTATIVE TO CO-ORDINATE LOCAL ELEMENTS

 

 

Follow Daniel Nussbaum on Twitter: @dznussbaum

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