MTV must be tired of hearing from the haters. Whether it’s old people complaining that they stopped showing rock videos, or people my age complaining they stopped showing rap videos, it must be a tough job to run music television.
But I have some good news, MTV. I’m here to tell you that you’re on the right track. And I want to give you some tips to kick it up another gear in 2017.
We do have to face some hard truths. You’ve gone from being the cultural epicenter for American youth in the 90s to a sad also-ran. The network that made Bill Clinton cool with his retarded saxophone solo couldn’t even move the needle for sick Hillary this year.
And to top it off, you’re the network so liberal that you leave CNN and MSNBC stress-eating, yet you only joined the social-justice bandwagon completely in 2016, when you started hiring the most batshit insane bloggers you could find to turn MTV.com into perhaps the most laughably stupid — and hateful, if you have the misfortune of being white and male — website on the internet. What took you so long?
In case you missed it, MTV has grabbed some young people that would fit in perfectly at the typical anti-Milo protest on my Dangerous Faggot tour of American campuses, and had them smugly recite SJW phrases like: “Blue Lives Matter isn’t a thing.”
Perhaps confused by the massive backlash against the video on social media, MTV pulled down the video from YouTube, but has reposted it with a silly excuse about updating the graphics. They are lying: the reason they did it was to hide all the downvotes. Please take a moment to watch it:
Hey, white guys: we came up for some New Year's Resolutions for you. pic.twitter.com/C9EeIY6wig
— MTV News (@MTVNews) December 19, 2016
As you’d expect, the reaction from everyone who isn’t a full-blown campus loon is to mock this video and the insane politics behind it. As we’ve witnessed since the election, liberals are continuing to use the same tactics of division that lost them the election, but to an even greater degree.
Of course, none of this has surprised me. When it comes to culture I’m sort of like Nostradamus if he’d been a handsome, witty minor celebrity with a great head of hair instead of a crusty old dude from the olden days. In fact, I explained exactly what MTV is doing last year in a column called Minority Wars.
MTV doesn’t have the option of going backwards. This new brand of left-wing politics in which practically everyone is racist, sexist or deplorable isn’t compatible with the glory years of the network. Rock music videos are so drenched in toxic masculinity that all the safe spaces in the world couldn’t handle the tsunami of fragile young adults that would tweet mean things at them if MTV aired those videos again.
Rap videos are just as bad — all of that sexism towards black women, not to mention the negative stereotypes! Liberals would be happy with rap videos full of men twerking perhaps, but let me tell you from personal experience, black rappers prefer to keep homosexuality on the DL.
Deep in my heart, I care about social-justice warriors. Yes, I openly scorn them at every stop on my acclaimed, sell-out Dangerous Faggot Tour, but it comes from a place of love. Think of me as the Grinch: I have stolen SJW fun and power at every step, but as the spirit of Christmas has taken me over, I’m writing not to mock MTV and their loony progressive YouTube stars, but to give them some friendly advice.
The only road to success for MTV is to combine their newfound SJW values with their library of classic shows. I’d call this a “two birds with one stone” solution to make MTV great again, but I know it would trigger the vegans on staff and the network cannot afford extended crying sessions from its creative talent right now.
Without further ado, I am proud to present Milo’s MTV reboots:
Daria bin Laden — Daria was a lesbian icon, a proto-SJW without the bad dye job. Why not bring her back as the ultimate Muslim cartoon character? Costs would be low: Daria and the other key female characters would be in burkas the whole time. Daria could go on amazing adventures, like praising the stoning of women and telling ignorant American characters how important female genital mutilation is to her culture. The whole first season could be about her arranged marriage.
This show practically writes itself! I would have to make sure that Daria’s best friend Jane Lane dies in an honor killing, because I always hated that bitch.
Pimp My Ride: Da’esh Edition — There is a whole army of ISIS heartthrobs riding around in plain white Toyota trucks paid for by the CIA, or whoever. But you can’t be a stylish terrorist in a factory fresh pickup, so MTV is going to help you pimp your ride! Yes, the format is the same, there will still be the requisite, “Yo dawg, we heard you like weapons, so we added forward and rear-facing machine guns.”
Not only will every episode be heartwarming as a Jihadist gets the terror platform of their dreams, western audiences will pick up useful armor tips for driving around danger zones like Columbus, Ohio, Dearborn, Michigan and of course Chiraq.
MTV Uneaten — The acoustic concert program MTV Unplugged can’t return in its original form, because there just isn’t enough decent SJW talent. So MTV Unplugged will now be MTV Uneaten, featuring obese feminists gorging themselves half to death, live on TV, to the sympathetic cooing of the presenters.
Each week will feature a different cuisine — or, as is more likely, pizza joint — and the larger-than-life ladies will eat and drink their fill in between complimenting each other’s health as women of size, and of course their amazing bravery.
(Note: This one needs some work — we run the risk of cultural appropriation based on food selection, and the hosts will be frequently replaced due to obesity-related illness and death. Healthy at any size!)
Viva La BLM — Bam Margera doesn’t fit with the new MTV. He’s too white, and too male. Viva La Bam will return as the network’s flagship show about Black Lives Matter. The crew will pull hilarious pranks like threatening police officers, burning down the local 7-Eleven, stealing plasma TVs and making life hell for other black people.
One problem here will be pinning down the cast, Black Lives Matter leaders are notorious for disappearing as soon as accountability comes around. But the network people can work out these little details — that’s why they make the big bucks. Besides, it’s not like BLM is lacking in braindead frauds and attention-seekers. Shaun King and Deray were made for reality TV.
The Real SJW World — The Real World was MTV’s original reality series, combining a cast of strangers that fit into convenient character types in an early effort to brainwash young adults. It needs rebooting to include a cast that’s strictly progressive. Imagine the fireworks when the whole house competes to be the biggest victim! What better chance to show how tolerant Europe has become by a group of genderqueers visiting the “jungle” in Calais — or staging a gay pride parade outside a mosque in Paris?
I suppose you can have a white straight male in the house, but only as the requisite villain who gets lynched in the second episode. Of course MTV will be limited to seasons in a few cities like San Francisco, but I’d still watch it.
Beavis and Butthead — Mike Judge’s beloved metalheads will be the only classic MTV show to come back more or less true to the original material. This is MTV’s opportunity to continue mocking white males — the whole point of their YouTube tips video. The existing fanbase will love it, and SJWs can watch it ironically to remember just how evil white males are on days they don’t leave the echo chamber.
At the end of the first season, MTV can join the newest liberal cause of making pedophiles cool and acceptable people by including a plotline in which Beavis and Butt-head separately have love affairs with male teachers.
MTV didn’t reach prominence by playing it safe, so if they want to survive, they need to double down on SJW politics and take my programming advice.They’ve painted themselves into a corner, but it can be a lucrative corner if they stop thinking like TV execs and start thinking like the spoiled brats that infest college campuses. Because we all know social justice is just good business, right?
Honestly, I’m a fucking visionary.