SAM NUNBERG: Mr. Trump’s office.
REINCE PRIEBUS: Er, hello? Um, Mr. Trump?
PRIEBUS: Um… Could I speak to Mr. Trump?
PRIEBUS: This is Reince Priebus.
PREIBUS: Um, I’m chair of the Republican National Committee.
NUNBERG: Hold on… (aside) head of the RNC… I don’t know…
DONALD TRUMP: Trump.
PRIEBUS: Mr. Trump?
TRUMP: Hello, Rinse?
PRIEBUS: No, it’s Reince.
TRUMP: Rinds? Rinds. Hello. What can I do for you?
PRIEBUS: Well, Mr. Trump, we were wondering if… well, you know, you’re leading in some of the polls now, you see, and we want to ask if…
TRUMP: (aside) Another one of these… Get a press release ready…
PRIEBUS: What we wanted to say is… er, congratulations, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: Oh, really? Why, thank you. It’s really something, isn’t it?
PRIEBUS: Yes, yes, it is… remarkable.
TRUMP: You know, Rinds, I want to tell you something. Every since I got into this race, I’ve had so many people come up to me and say, “Thank you. Thank you so much, Mr. Trump. We’re so glad you got involved in this race, because you’re the first person to say what needed to be said.” And you know, I’ve been thinking about it. And I think it’s terrific.
PRIEBUS: Yes, well, about that—
TRUMP: And these losers–you know, I watched that Jorge Ramos. What a piece of work. He had Ann Coulter on his show. And the woman is brilliant. She’s not bad to look at, either, you understand. But she’s brilliant on top of it. And she just owned the guy. I mean, he had no idea what hit him. If she had half her brain, she’d still be twice as smart as that guy. And his audience—where do they find these people? Outside the DMV, or something. On the day they give out driver’s licenses to the illegals who can’t read a STOP sign. Anyway, that’s not why you called.
PRIEBUS: (laughs nervously) Um, right. Well, I was going to ask you—
TRUMP: What kind of a name is “Fusion,” anyway?
TRUMP: I don’t know. It’s the name of the network. It’s Spanish. No, it’s English. It doesn’t know what it is. You know, Rinds, the Spanish word for “with”? It’s “con.” So if you’re “with Fusion network,” you’re actually “con Fusion.” Con, fusion. Confusion. Get it?
PRIEBUS: Um, yeah…
TRUMP: He’s con-fusion. Con-fused.
PRIEBUS: Mr. Trump…
TRUMP: Why did he even come to this country? Why do people come here and then bash the place? You know, if you come stay at my hotel in Las Vegas, and you don’t like it, you can go down the Strip and knock on Mr. Adelson’s door. You can go bother Steve Wynn. I wouldn’t suggest it, but that’s what you can do. These people come here and they start complaining. You know–you have options, Mr. Confusion. You can go do your confusion in Mexico or wherever.
PRIEBUS: (coughs) Um, so…
TRUMP: Anyway, you were saying, it’s great. You know what? It is. It is great. I’m loving it. And it’s very nice of you to call. I appreciate it.
PRIEBUS: Well, we were wondering if you could… you know…
TRUMP: Know what?
PRIEBUS: Um, if you could tone it down a little.
TRUMP: Do what?
PRIEBUS: Mr. Trump, the stuff about the Mexicans… You know, we all know what you meant, but the way it came out… The media–they’re really unfair, but now it’s become a thing… We just… We need it to go away. We need you to help us out. We can’t win without Latino voters…
TRUMP: Let me tell you something, Rinse. You can’t win with Latino voters. You could put on a sombrero and grow a big mustache and shake your maracas all night and you still wouldn’t win. And you know why? Because you’re a bunch of losers, that’s why. Nobody likes a loser. Nobody wants to hang out with a loser. Nobody wants to vote for a loser. So you guys sit around there in Washington and fart each other warm and you think it’s great. And maybe it is. And then it stinks. And then nobody wants to hang around. I don’t want to hang around. I want to do something for this country. China is beating us every day. Japan is beating us every day. Russia. Iran. Afghanistan. Places you can’t even pronounce, where I’ve been–because I’ve been everywhere–they’re way ahead of us. Because you guys don’t know what you’re doing.
PRIEBUS: Mr. Trump, please–we want to make a deal.
TRUMP: A deal? What kind of deal? If you’re asking me to drop out, forget it. I’m beating Jeb Bush. I’m killing him. Jeb asked me, you know that? He came crawling over, like a kind of a…
PRIEBUS: No, no–we want to do a show.
TRUMP: A show.
PRIEBUS: Yes, Mr. Trump–a show. A new version of The Apprentice.
TRUMP: I’m listening.
PRIEBUS: An election version of The Apprentice. Now you—hear me out, Mr. Trump—you would have to step back from the campaign, in a formal sense. But you could decide who wins.
TRUMP: You mean I could pick the nominee?
PRIEBUS: Exactly. You would take two dozen candidates and divide them up into two teams—say, a team of governors and a team of senators. And then you’d send them around the country, different primary states, have them compete against each other, do different things…
TRUMP: Oh, like balance a household budget. Or start a small business. Or shoot a terrorist.
PRIEBUS: Um, sort of.
TRUMP: And then I get to fire them.
PRIEBUS: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: One by one by one…
PRIEBUS: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: Until there’s one left.
PRIEBUS: Yes, sir.
PRIEBUS: Please, Mr. Trump, you have to give it some–
TRUMP: What’s in it for me? I mean, aside from the chance to fire all those people, and pick who gets to lose to Hillary.
PRIEBUS: You get all the profits, all the advertising, all the rights.
TRUMP: And I get control of the debates.
PRIEBUS: What? No, I–
TRUMP: No? Ok, fine, then. I’ll see you onstage. I’ll make America great again. By myself.
PRIEBUS: No, Mr. Trump–I apologize. Of course, yes, yes, you can run the debates.
TRUMP: Good. It’s a deal. We’ll do the show. We’ll have a debate. And then we’ll have a ladies’ debate. How about that? You never get to meet the wives until it’s too late. And by then you’re stuck with Michelle Obama or whatever. We’ll get them out there, we’ll give them a week in the sun, we’ll get them new wardrobes–only the best–and then we’ll have a First Ladies’ pageant.
PRIEBUS: Um, Mr. Trump…
TRUMP: This is great. Oh, and Fiorina can just come as herself. And that Lindsey Graham–well, he can just enter his mother or whoever he lives with, it’s fine, Rinse.
PRIEBUS: I’ll have to–
TRUMP: I love it. The Apprentice: Republican Primary.
PRIEBUS: (Sighs) Yes, Mr. Trump. Thank you, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: Season two, we do the vice presidential candidates.
TRUMP: And I’ll win that one. I’ll just fire everyone else and nominate myself. Cheney did that.
PRIEBUS: No, Mr. Trump, you can’t…
NUNBERG: Okay, that’s all, we’ll be in touch.
PRIEBUS: But wait a minute…