‘Cracked’ Mocks Narrative That Artificial Birth Control Makes Life Easy for Women

file photo of birth control pills.

Humor website Cracked mocks birth control ads and their common theme that artificial contraceptives make women’s lives easy and worry-free without any downside.

In the video below, Roger, a Big Pharma executive who actually makes contraceptives, urges Jess, a “relatable” and “relatively cool” young woman guitarist (a takeoff from a character in a real birth control ad), to talk about all the “wonderful” features of the birth control he has created:

“We understand that you don’t want me to ‘mansplain’ about birth control – although I am the one that makes it,” Roger mocks.

Jess proceeds, “Birth control – the simple solution for the woman willing to do anything to prevent a pregnancy – other than asking the guy to take responsibility for taking prophylactics – or maybe you did and he just won’t!”

She continues to describe various artificial birth control methods and tosses in some real-life information about what they actually do to women’s bodies:

You can take the pill, which will affect the hormones in your body, tricking it into thinking it’s pregnant when it’s not! That’s why it won’t want to make tiny humans pop out of you!

Just make sure to take the pill at the exact same time every day, because if you don’t, it won’t work as well – if at all [laughs]. Looks like you just wasted $60 to $130!

She explains that “the pill is great,” and then says, “It just has side effects like weight gain, nausea, depression, migraines that could indicate cancer, or lack of sex drive – so you won’t even get pleasure from sex!”

Jess describes the “Intrauterine Contraception” as something that is “shoved up inside of your uterus by forcing your lady junk to open all the way up to your cervix – and you’ll be awake and aware for the whole process!”

“Doctors will tell you that you’ll deal with some slight cramping, but in reality, you’ll feel as if someone is forcing a metal tee up inside of you and your body is trying to push it out, but it can’t!” she continues. “Then, for the next month or so, you’ll feel nothing but constant stabbing pain because your body is still trying to eject the foreign object!”

Planned Parenthood, nevertheless, is thrilled more Texas women can have free IUDs as a result of a donation from the Boone Family Foundation and the Harold Simmons Foundation:

Jess highlights the side effects and risks of other birth control methods and ultimately reveals that no artificial birth control method is without its downside for women.

When Roger returns, he tells Jess’s partner that he does make birth control for guys, as well.

“Sounds like a lot of work,” Jess’s partner says.