Society is seemingly melting down all around us, and there’s a run on toilet paper. Seriously.
Why? Has toilet paper production been cut? No. Are we running out of trees? Nope.
Coronavirus is largely a respiratory ailment. But that hasn’t stopped a collective freakout over the bare necessity of having clean bottoms.
This morning, a man confronted an ABC 13 news crew outside an H-E-B store in Texas. Reporter Miya Shay was in the midst of a report when the man approached and shouted, “It’s your fault that people are freaking out here.”
I’m just going to assume this guy dropped a bunch of F bombs on me this morning because his wife sent him for toilet paper too early. #jobhazard#Coronavirus #COVID19 is serious. We are not hyping it. #abc13 https://t.co/fWUjPZUbWc pic.twitter.com/9zMhcP46xp
— Miya Shay (@ABC13Miya) March 13, 2020
“You all are the ones that are at fault,” he said.
“Uh, you’re the one here at 6 o’clock in the morning,” a member of the news crew responded.
After dropping several F-bombs, the man called the media crew “the scum of the earth.”
“I don’t even blame the Chinese. I don’t blame them at all. They did everything right. It’s you all that are hyping things up,” he said.
The man’s critique comes as store shelves all over the world are without toilet paper.
The sight is similar to many across America:
— Haylee⁷ is (seeing bts) ON (@Taelxve2) March 13, 2020
In Denmark, the pandemonium had the appearance of a Black Friday sale:
A video from #Denmark , people started to prepare stocks.#toiletpaper #coronavirus #COVID19 #CODVID19 #Covid_19 #lockdown #coronavirusitalIa #corona #coronadeutschland #COVID #koronowirus pic.twitter.com/tun0c1RJNA
— COVID-19 News (@COVID_19_News) March 12, 2020
In Canada, a shopper told CTV he was grateful to get his hands on toilet paper and will potentially use it to barter for booze:
— Jordan Cunningham (@CTVNewsJordan) March 6, 2020
“I don’t know that we’re going to make it through this,” he said. “But now that I’ve got my stock of toilet paper, my family will be safe.
“When we go to the barter system, which will be very shortly, in my opinion, I think that my toilet paper is going to be able to be traded for alcohol, which I think is more important,” he added. He didn’t appear to be joking.
In Britain, women came to blows in a grocery store aisle:
When your usual grocery shopping @woolworths turns into a toilet paper fight in the supermarket aisle. Yikes. #toiletpaperpanic for the #coronavirus has taken a whole new level. pic.twitter.com/aKJ283I20C
— Adella Beaini (@adellabeaini) March 7, 2020
“Get off me!” one shrieked. “I just want one package!”
Elsewhere in the U.K., shoppers stripped a pallet bare in just seconds, like piranhas on a cow’s carcass:
Meanwhile in Costco pic.twitter.com/GfqEJkgSbb
— London & U.K Crime.. (@CrimeLdn) March 10, 2020
Two women argued over a package of toilet paper. Video shows an elderly woman attempted to slap the other:
People should stop this toilet paper crap. There’s enough toilet paper for every person on this god forgotten rock floating in space. pic.twitter.com/s2m9k8ttrb
— Max Howroute▫️ (@howroute) March 13, 2020
In Australia, News.com.au posted a time-lapse video of a horde of shoppers descending on the toilet paper aisle:
— news.com.au (@newscomauHQ) March 10, 2020
In Hong Kong, “Knife-wielding thieves” stole 600 rolls from outside a supermarket:
Knife-wielding thieves have stolen 600 toilet paper rolls from outside a Hong Kong supermarket. The theft comes amid shortages of basic necessities caused by the coronavirus outbreak. https://t.co/OF81oZXgpT #coronavirus #7NEWS pic.twitter.com/jImX5voEzC
— 7NEWS Sydney (@7NewsSydney) February 18, 2020
7News reported the thievery came “amid shortages of basic necessities caused by the coronavirus outbreak.”
Perhaps this could all be avoided if we were to just take the advice of singer Sheryl Crow. The Guardian reported in 2007:
The singer made her declaration in an article for the Huffington Post to help promote her Stop Global Warming College Tour, an 11-date tour explaining the perils of global warming to Americans. Accompanied by Laurie David, activist and wife of comedian Larry David, the pair have been criss-crossing the country in a biodiesel-powered bus spreading the word on the bathroom hygiene of the future.
According to Crow’s new strictures, the average person should use “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” Further details were not offered as to the precise nature of these “pesky occasions,” though “we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work,” she insists.
Kyle Olson is a reporter for Breitbart News. Follow him on Twitter at @KyleOlson4.