In a crowded press-conference at the U.N. on Monday, King Cornelius Pacifus of Unicornia lauded the new Nuclear Posture Review recently published by U.S. President Barack Obama. In New York for the United Nations Non-Proliferation Treaty Review Conference that begins today, Pacificus gave Obama what amounted to a pre-emptive disarmament shout-out. Unicornia’s stance on nuclear matters is usually considered a bellwether for that of other nations on the thorny issue.
King Pacificus pledged his small peace-loving nation’s support for the American policy shift: “Unicornia herself long ago embraced the efficacy of a Peace through Weakness strategy, and today our nation whole-hornedly applauds and supports the American president for adopting a similar attitude,” Pacifus proclaimed.
Fielding softball questions from a room overflowing with docile MSM reporters, the monoceros monarch made clear his country’s reasons for supporting America’s recent radical shift in nuclear posture: “In the bitter Butterfly Wars of the 17th century, Unicornia learned the hard way that standing up to tyrants and cruel dictators not only doesn’t work–it’s also just not nice.” Scholars allege an estimated 3 million Unicorns and 40 million Lepidopterae perished in that protracted ten-year battle over which portion of the air the other species was entitled to breathe. “War is mean,” Pacifus observed, with his classic gift for understatement. “And nuclear war is really mean. Really really mean.”
His prominent mother-of-pearl horn glistening majestically, Pacifus further defended Unicornia’s long history of appeasement towards its enemies. “President Obama is doing the absolute right thing vis-à-vis Ahmadinejad. It’s better to give the schoolyard bully what he wants–even if you’re bigger than he is–before he kicks you in the stomach. It may be a tired unicorn truism–but the mere fact that you have a horn doesn’t entitle you to use it. Sure, you might wind up with frequent stomach aches, but that’s a small price to pay for holding the moral high ground of not behaving, or even seeming to behave, meanly.” This remark triggered a spontaneous standing ovation from the media, who in excitement dropped their notepads, most of which were filled with idle doodling.
“As you know,” Pacifus reminded them, “Unicornia’s national defense policy was inspired by the great American President Teddy Roosevelt’s slogan ‘Speak softly and carry a big stick.’ With all due respect to Mr. Roosevelt, we’ve improved on his maxim by eliminating its bellicose undertones. Our motto is simple: speak softly and cross your fingers.” Another standing ovation from the press corps, the younger of whom gave each other celebratory fist bumps, the charming if awkward human equivalent of a horn bump.
Once again opting for understatement, “The world is a scary place,” Pacifus continued, “for the horned and the unhorned community alike. But I’m proud to say our approach of appeasement and mollification has kept Unicornia safe throughout my entire twelve years in office. True, our borders have shrunk by a third during that time because of unavoidable land giveaways to belligerent aggressor nations with nuclear and bioterror capabilities. But the two-thirds we have left are relatively safe, at least for the foreseeable next six months or so. And I’m happy to report that all Unicornians displaced by the territorial surrenders have now been comfortably repopulated in fully-furnished, state-subsidized Unicondos in the East Quadrant, each with a view of River Splendor. ”
As he always does, Pacifus ended his short confab sounding a characteristic note of optimism: “Therefore, as King of Unicornia, I gently but wholeheartedly pledge my nation’s support to President Obama and his nation’s newly announced policy of nuclear nonproliferation. Weakness is strength. America, take note: the people of Unicornia would rather die with a smile on their face than live with their fists closed.” The ensuing applause was long and thunderous.
That concluded King Pacificus’ impromptu press conference in New York at the United Nations. A light continental dejeuner of pollen wafers and alabaster nectar followed, while members of the press cooed glowingly over the monarch’s remarks.
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