U. North Dakota Considers Naming Teams for Ron Jeremy. What’s Wrong with ‘Fighting Sioux’?

Ron Jeremy Reuters

The only good Indian nickname is a dead Indian nickname. That’s the NCAA and not Phil Sheridan.

For the past three years, the University of North Dakota has played without a nickname. That great arbiter of morality, the NCAA, a monopoly taking in close to a billion dollars on the backs of unpaid labor, forced the school to drop the “Fighting Sioux” in 2012 after deeming it offensive.

Playing as the team without a nickname for the last three years, the University of North Dakota finally looks to reemerge on the ice, field, and court with a new sobriquet. And while a few old guys in turtlenecks and tweed jackets in Indianapolis decided to kill UND’s old moniker, the birth of its new athletic handle appears a more democratic process involving the North Dakota taxpayers who support the institution.

The school’s nickname committee appealed to the public for ideas on what to call the teams that everybody in the state still calls “the Fighting Sioux.” The people voted in April. The committee just revealed the suggestions, which demonstrate that although the NCAA took North Dakota’s nickname, it can never take the state’s sense of humor.

The 214-page PDF of considered nicknames lists several suggestions for “7th Cavalry.” One fan reasoned the “Indians won again,” while another maintained the nickname “shows history of North Dakota and shouldn’t piss off any bleeding heart liberals.”

Other replacements for Fighting Sioux under consideration include:

• Green Atomic Snowflakes: “Green Snow is badass! Think of the intimidation factor alone! Plus … Dude, it’s like Atomic and stuff!”
• Frackers: “Since we apparently don’t care about our state’s history, let’s embrace its future!”
• Inquisition: “Nobody expects the Inquisition!”
• UNDertakers: “Not only contains UND in the name, but supports the mortuary sciences program. Not to mention it has a little intimidation factor to it.”
• Zombies: “We already have a green, black, and pink color scheme, and zombies are cool!”
• North Dakota: “UND is a North Dakota School. No other name is necessary until political correctness leftists succeed in changing the state’s name as well.”

Despite ranking 47 out of the 50 states in population, North Dakota tops all others in ideas for sports nicknames. The committee posted an even longer PDF documenting the suggestions already dismissed. The hundreds of nicknames relegated to the “non-consideration list” include Bush Did 911 (“yep”), Capitulators (“cease to resist an opponent or unwelcome demand”), and Fighting Irish (“Notre Dame has been getting away with it for 88 years, why can’t we?”).

The most popular rejected replacement for Fighting Sioux? That would be Fighting Sioux.

Though the committee has expressed its intolerance for Not Iowa (“Hey, could be worse right?”) and Zesty Pickles (“because they are juicy”), its “consideration list” continues to include an endorsement of the UND 2’s (“Not only does Grand Forks smell like #2, but UND takes #2’s in all big game situations”) and five votes for the UND Hedgehogs (“Ron Jeremy is my inspiration”).

Because, hey, what could be more offensive than Fighting Sioux?