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President Reveals Ark of the Covenant, Warns Sequester Would Slash Research

Expecting to see that headline on an AP story any day now. It would go something like this:

This morning President Obama shocked the nation when he unveiled the Ark of the Covenant on the White House lawn. The President said he was revealing the artifact now because critical "Ark research funding" could be cut if the sequester was allowed to go into effect.

"It was never my plan to reveal to the American people that the Ark of the Covenant has been kept in a government laboratory for the past 75 years, but my hand was forced," the President said to a crowd of stunned White House pool reporters.

"For 75 years this incredible relic has been studied at a secure, undisclosed location. I believe that work is important and needs to continue. But Ark research funding may have to be slashed as a result of the Republican sequester plan.

"Do we really want the Ark to just collect dust in a storage warehouse? Doesn't it make more sense to ask the wealthiest Americans to do a little more?

A flurry of questions broke out from the assembled media but the President held up both hands to quiet them. "I can't answer all of your questions at this time, but rest assured we've had top men, top people, working on this," the President replied. "But that may not continue for much longer," he added.

With that, the President walked from the podium back to the White House. Four men in black jumpsuits returned the Ark to the wooden crate it had arrived in and quickly loaded it onto Marine One...

It hasn't happened yet, but the White House did release a new state-by-state breakdown of the sequester's effects.

 


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