According to former first lady Michelle Obama, if we fail to elect a 77-year-old senile racist president, America is doomed.
Over the decades I’ve seen all kinds of political speeches. Never before, though, have I seen a former first lady rhetorically hold a gun to a puppy’s head and threaten to pull the trigger.
I get that she’s depressed being a celebrity millionaire and the toast of America’s media and Hollywood elite. It’s a hard-knock life winning unearned Grammy and Emmy awards to sit next her husband’s unearned Nobel.
Why does she have to use the delivery system of whiny emotional blackmail to infect the rest of us with her incurable case of the privileged doldrums?
Did you see her convention speech Monday night. Holy moly. Was I hallucinating or was there a skeleton holding a sickle floating behind her?
Here are the 11 parts of Michelle O’s speech that drove me into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Russia Collusion Crunch, seven episodes of Law & Order: SVU — you know, the ones where Olivia Benson shows the patriarchy a thing or two, and my first taste of Midol.
- “Good evening, everyone. It’s a hard time, and everyone’s feeling it in different ways.”
The only thing I’m feeling right now is Olivia Benson’s righteousness and what might be a Midol buzz.
- “More than 150,000 people have died, and our economy is in shambles … Too many have lost their health care; too many are struggling to take care of basic necessities like food and rent; too many communities have been left in the lurch to grapple with whether and how to open our schools safely.”
At this point I take Ben, Jerry, Olivia, and Midol to bed.
- “[A] never-ending list of innocent people of color continue to be murdered, stating the simple fact that a Black life matters is still met with derision from the nation’s highest office.”
This is when I realized Ben, Jerry, Olivia, and Midol are all white.
- “[W]henever we look to this White House for some leadership or consolation or any semblance of steadiness, what we get instead is chaos, division, and a total and utter lack of empathy.”
I mix the Midol with the Russia Collusion Crunch.
- ‘[R]ight now, kids in this country are seeing what happens when we stop requiring empathy of one another. They’re looking around wondering if we’ve been lying to them this whole time about who we are and what we truly value.”
It makes the Russia Collusion Crunch even crunchier.
- “They see people shouting in grocery stores, unwilling to wear a mask to keep us all safe.”
And it is here when I begin to weep…
- “They see people calling the police on folks minding their own business just because of the color of their skin.”
…weep as though I were a little girl again.
- “’When others are going so low, does going high still really work?’ My answer: going high is the only thing that works[.]”
“High” is sounding like a splendid idea right now. I ground what’s left of the Midol into a fine powder and snort it.
- “Going high means taking the harder path. It means scraping and clawing our way to that mountain top. Going high means standing fierce against hatred while remembering that we are one nation under God[.]”
I’m not sure if you would describe what I feel as “going high,” but I do feel a sudden urge to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.
- “[I]f we want to survive…”
“If we want to survive?” Talk about a buzzkill.
- “Now, I understand that my message won’t be heard by some people.”
What was the middle thing again?
Gee, Michelle, I’m sorry the shitty legacy your millionaire reality-star husband left behind is being dismantled by a billionaire reality-star, but if you’re this bummed hanging out at Martha’s Vineyard with Beyonce and Oprah, no wonder Rapey Joe refuses to leave his basement.
After the speech was over, I fell into a deep Midol sleep… a Bible clutched in one fist, an unregistered firearm in the other, and dreamed I was building a place called MAGA CHAZ, where everyone was invited and everyone came, except for college-educated white women.
And then I dreamed on, into the future, to a place where taxes are low, terrorists are dead, all the illegals are deported, Netflix streams only John Wayne’s The Green Berets, and the schools are named after Robert E. Lee.