Obama War Room: Brushfires

OBAMA: It’s finally happened. O’Reilly’s obtained copies of my college records and interviewed an old weed buddy. The wingnuts will have an orgasm when they learn I took a course at Occidental called “Bongs Through the Ages.”

JAY CARNEY: The Factor‘s devoting a whole show to the revelations next week, sir. Word is, he’ll read excerpts from your Harvard Law senior thesis, “Tart Reform: a New Paradigm for the Oldest Profession.”

OBAMA: Good lord! I’ll be ridiculed for something I didn’t even write. How do we stop this?

DAVID PLOUFFE: Posing as a fired MSNBC whistleblower, I’ll e-mail O’Reilly and set up a meet in Fort Marcy Park tonight, sir. You call in a favor from the Teamsters. Tomorrow morning, joggers’ll find old “Fair and Balanced” clutching a note expressing remorse for forging documents meant to discredit you.

OBAMA: Um, maybe something less extreme. Leon?

PANETTA: Our Black Projects team developed a marble-sized nuke that’ll fry transmissions in a localized area, sir. I can task a Predator to deliver it over Fox Headquarters as O’Reilly goes on.

OBAMA: Set it up. But we need a cover story. Janet, order the National Weather Service to warn of severe thunderstorms in the vicinity just before detonation.

NAPOLITANO: Won’t fool anybody, sir.

OBAMA: You’re right. Instead, let’s give the Times, the Post, and our network anchors a heads-up on the EMP event. Jay, inform them I want the spike story pulsed . . . I mean the pulse story spiked.

CARNEY: You’re forgetting the blogosphere, sir: Big Government and the Pajamas guys will out the truth in nanoseconds.

OBAMA: Then I’ll shut down the internet for “national security reasons.”

NAPOLITANO: You agreed to hold off flipping the internet kill switch until after you’re reelected, sir.

JOE BIDEN: I gotta idea, Boss: get in front of the wave. Preempt O’Reilly, and come clean about your misspent youth with a heartfelt statement from the Oval Office.

OBAMA: Might work. Something along these lines:

“Let me be perfectly clear. I toked my way through college, but the smoke has long since dissipated, and I am now clear-headed and determined to save the country from modern robber barons such as the Koch brothers in order to see to fruition my health care reforms, which are designed to prevent predatory insurers from denying home services to people like Hernando Sosa of Santa Fe, a quadriplegic who died alone last spring after swallowing his dentures, with no one to help him in his final years but an elderly aunt who had lost both feet to diabetes when Kaiser Permanente refused to. . . .”

BIDEN: Uh, super, Chief. Might wanna tighten it up a little, though.

PLOUFFE: On another matter, Mr. President: in Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren just locked up the Senate nomination, but she’s already down a dozen to Scott Brown.

OBAMA: Liz needs my help. I’ll endorse Brown and campaign for him. Should tank his support among independents–and raise doubts about him with Republicans.

VALERIE JARRETT: But sir . . . won’t our people stand down because you’re pushing Brown?

PLOUFFE: No worries, Val. Massachusetts Democrats are genetically predisposed to vote against their interests.

OBAMA: Jay, set up a Scott Brown call center in the Situation Room. We’ll release a tape of me working the phones. Debbie, arrange for DNC operatives to wave “Barack and Scott for America” signs at Brown’s rallies.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Yes, sir. Looking ahead to Election Day: I’ll ask the New Black Panther Party to station, ah, aggressive observers outside polling places in key Republican precincts.

ERIC HOLDER: Assure NBPP leadership that Justice Department lawyers will be on hand to shield their toughs from harassment by local authorities.

OBAMA: Which reminds me . . . I’ve overplayed the race card. From now on, I’ll employ the victim card. Any suggestions?

BILL DALEY: My voice doesn’t carry as far since my demotion, sir, so please listen carefully. Instruct Media Matters to claim Breitbart’s spreading rumors that you have another wife and family in Cleveland; attended Madrassa with Mullah Omar; and were born a hermaphrodite. We need people outraged and rallying around you the way they did for Cain.

OBAMA: Clever. Once we propagate those despicable lies, I’ll attend African Methodist Episcopal some rainy Sunday when I can’t golf and preach the virtues of forgiveness.

HOLDER: Speaking of victims, sir–lawsuits have just been filed over the alleged shootings at Fort Hood in 2009. One claimant is Federal Police Officer Kimberly Munley, who was allegedly wounded when she attacked Major Nidal Hasan, the alleged gunman.

OBAMA: Damn! Anti-Muslim sentiment will rekindle with Fort Hood back on the front pages. I wonder . . . could we defuse tensions by inviting Hasan and Munley to the Rose Garden for a beer?

HOLDER: Hasan would probably decline, sir. They say he doesn’t respect women, especially women who shoot him.

OBAMA: What’s the status of the investigation?

HOLDER: DOJ’s going through Officer Hunley’s background with a fine-tooth comb, sir. I’m confident we’ll determine why she resorted to violence that day. Meanwhile, we’ve identified thirty-five eyewitnesses who are conspiring to claim Major Hasan shouted a Muslim warcry during the incident.

OBAMA: Wherever the truth leads, Eric. . . .

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: Bill Ayers is waiting outside, and he’s mad. Says you’re behind on royalty payments you owe him for writing your autobiography. Pay the man! You hear me, Barack?