Top 5 New Year's Resolutions I've Heard So Far in NYC

5–“I’m gonna stop chasing my husband around the kitchen with a wooden spoon when he does something stupid.” — woman in Starbucks who could’ve been my grandmother’s twin

4–“I’m gonna stop dressing my chihuahua up like Tinker Bell on Halloween. She doesn’t like it and poops glitter for weeks.” — lady in a cafe with glitter all over her body

3–“I’m gonna start learning how to do my own laundry.” — man in a restaurant who looked old enough to have two kids in college

2–“I’m gonna ask my girlfriend to marry me this year, even if I only have enough money to give her a ring pop.” — dude in the gym whose idea I totally love

1–“I’m gonna stop telling my girlfriend to sleep on the couch while I sleep with my body pillow.” — man who somehow managed to get any woman to go out with him more than once

Happy New Year, folks.

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