Dateline: Future, most likely August 2012
Having been quite successful at my previous naming assignment for the Obama administration, I was encouraged to assist with another project for the folks at the White House.
After being bored sitting on my rump for a few months collecting my government writer’s retainer, (GS 1700 making it 28K a week) I was delighted to get the call from the new POTUS Merchandising Czar.
The Czar was none other than “Fish”; the former spokesman from the ShamWow! commercials. I knew in advance this assignment was not as high profile or prestigious as renaming a former naughty prison camp, for it was just a simple product-naming gig. However, in my former life as an ad/jingle writer, I had named many products, from expensive toys to cheap boxes of wine and I kind of enjoyed it. Volume is the key. You have to kick out a lot of names, and sometimes those names will trigger others, spurring further avenues of creativity. Czar Fish called me at home from his boat in Florida to give me some welcomed creative direction.
Hello Mr. Czar, how are you? I asked.
Okay good. here’s the deal; Barack loves Hot Sauce, right? Puts it on his freakin’ cornflakes okay? Gives it to his cat, alright, ya with me? He replied quite nimbly.
Oh Yes Czar Fish, I am with you.
Okay. So we needs a name for this Hot Sauce for all the Barack-Shops and Presi-Stands around this country and Europe. Got me?
Yes sir.
Okay, hot sauces can be wacky, ya know with hot names, like I seen one in L.A. called “Assplosion”. Weird right?
Weird, but to the point, yes sir.
We can’t get that weird ya know, but we need to make fun of some stuff. No ‘my ass is on fire’ talk but try to have some fun with it? You followin’ me?
Yes Czar Fish.
Need it in a month. (Click)
When Czar Fish hung up the phone, I was alone with my thoughts. That darn blank page was just staring back at me. What to do? I had been in a writers slump of late, and knew that what I needed was a fun trip to the local Hot Sauce shop, where I purchased (with my govt. expense credit card of course) seventy five different bottles of hot sauce. Some mild, and some of the lower anatomy burning variety.
I proceeded to cook up some wild rice and beans, and when done added several large shakes of some mild stuff. Pretty good and spicy, but what my muse really needed was a good hot kick in the pants, so I lathered on the super-burner stuff. After taking several spoonfuls of rice drowned in a rather potent Jamaican Sauce called: ‘Ganja-killya’, I must have lapsed into a Habanero writing stupor, for when I woke up; my ol’ Canon printer had a naming list dangling from its exit tray.
It Read:
“Sweet ‘N Soros” Hot Sauce
“First Sauce I’m Proud Of” Hot Sauce
“Don’t unplug the TelePromp…” Hot Sauce
“Previous Administrations Bad Hot Sauce”
“Community Sauce-inizer”
“Barack’s EuroDiscoSocialsauce”
“The Dealership Closer” Hot Sauce
‘Comrades in Farms’ presents: “Barack and Fidel’s: ‘I Havana Dream’ Cuban Style Hot Sauce”
“Hidin’ that Hillary” Hot Sauce
“I Hope The Lincoln Bedroom, Has a Lincoln Bathroom” Hot Sauce
“Barack’s Insano-Jalapeno”
“Maybe This Will Shut Biden Up” Hot Sauce
“Hey Bill; I got your Fairytale Right Here” Hot Sauce
Looking over the list I winced. Would the administration have this much of a sense of humor? I highly doubted it as I read it through. No way The B man was gonna be this self-deprecating. So striking down all of what I wrote, I decided to submit just one name, and this is the one they bought:
“Barack Obama’s Second Term Super Sensational Victory Sauce”
It was a smash hit. They ordered millions of bottles, and every Barack-Shop across he globe was selling them fast, ….that was until of course, the great 2012 election scandal. (To be continued.)
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