Obama War Room: Michelle Ma Belle

[White House exercise facility]

MICHELLE: Well, come in, people. Geithner, Carney–get your skinny butts over here and spot for me while I press 250. Everybody else, pull up a mat and sit so we can start.

JOE BIDEN: Huh? Why’s the Boss over in the corner in his PJs staring out the window?

MICHELLE: Off the record. He’s stressed out. I’m running things until his therapist clears him for duty. Anybody got a problem with that?

DAVID PLOUFFE: No Ma’m, but, uh . . . .

MICHELLE: What happened? Yesterday, he had to layup on the first par 5 at Burning Tree and couldn’t choose between a 6-iron and 7-iron. Told his playing partners he wanted to sleep on it. At dinner, a steward asked what flavor parfait he preferred for dessert. Midnight, he was still muttering, “I like the strawberry, but the peach appeals to me, too.”

BILL DALEY: Deteriorating decision-making skills. It’s worse than when I came on board. Hell, CIA knew where bin Laden was hiding since mid-2009. The President couldn’t pull the trigger. I had to use his autopen to sign the order okaying the Seal operation on Osama’s compound.

MICHELLE: Hmmph. Didn’t have a problem deciding on those chili dogs and stepping on my nutrition message the other day.

Enough rehashing. Nancy, some of your members have defected to the enemy on Libya and budget votes. I’m not happy.

PELOSI: Noted. Leadership’s scheduled a confab tonight with the recalcitrants in Rayburn B113.

PLOUFFE: But that’s the carpenters’ workshop in the subbasement.

PELOSI: Correct. SEIU enforcers will restrain these people while I clip off their pinkies. I’ve engaged a Smithsonian preservationist to shrink the fingers and create a digital necklace for me to wear when I’m lobbying my caucus. By the way, I asked Anthony Weiner to come, too.

MICHELLE: Why? He’s been a solid vote for . . . . Oh. I thought you didn’t believe in . . . .

PELOSI: Anthony warrants an exception. It’ll be an extreme circumcision. I’ll display his appendage in a jar of formaldehyde on my desk with a label reading, “What happens when you think with your . . . .”

MICHELLE: I get it. What, you’re leaving?

PELOSI: Call me if Waterwalker over there gets back on his game. [exits]

VALERIE JARRETT: Typical jab. She doesn’t fear the President. Nobody fears him.

MICHELLE: Well, I’m not Barack. Bill, order the FDA to ban Botox for women over 70 because of a possible link to the development of megalomania.

DALEY: Will do. Means less face time for her with the media.

MICHELLE: Let’s move on. Harry, do you have a plan to get control of your troops?

REID: Yes, Ma’m. Senate Democrats will vote to designate the late Robert Byrd as the Senate’s first posthumous Emeritus Senator, with limited floor rights. Disney’s Imagineers just delivered a Robert Byrd automaton for use in the Senate chamber. It’s programmed to say, “Those amendments are out of order,” and, “The rules permit reconciliation,” and, “The Founders would be livid at Republican tactics.”

PLOUFFE: Some bad news: Ben Nelson’s threatening to become a Republican.

MICHELLE: Debbie, have a DNC operative break into his condo this weekend and leave an ear of corn under his pillow–shucked. And a note: “Stay in our crib–or else.”

WASSERMAN SHULTZ: An off ear he can’t refuse.

MICHELLE: Tim, where’s your report on bringing the world together through American largesse.

GEITHNER: Here, Ma’m. I’m calling the proposal, “Tax Americana.” Ten trillion distributed abroad over the next five years. Half raised through new taxes and raids on pension funds, the other half from my printing presses. The world will love us.

BIDEN: Maybe. Right now we better start showing the world some moxie.

MICHELLE: True. Bill, have Hillary inform Putin the President will be displeased if Russia establishes missile bases in Venezuela. Carney, at today’s briefing, demand Assad return murdered Syrian dissidents’ bodies to their families. Tim, straight talk to China: they buy more Treasuries or we’ll print so much currency, the bills they still own will become worthless.

PLOUFFE: Looks like Palin’s getting in, Ma’m. We need to blunt her impact without turning women off.

MICHELLE: Covered. Oprah’s on the ticket next year. Joe, we’re moving you over to State. Also . . . .

[enter Attorney General]

ERIC HOLDER: Sorry too interrupt, Ma’m. Just got a text from Brennan in Counterterrorism. Says an anonymous caller claimed a Somali, Nadif Osman, will bring down International Airways Flight 227 tomorrow evening as it approaches New York. He’ll board in Hamburg wearing C4 plastique shoelaces and detonate in seat F124. A man named Osman is booked on the flight, but he’s not on our watchlists.

MICHELLE: Hmm. Anonymous caller. No red flags. That puts the ”threat” at the low end of the probable cause threshold, Eric. Without correlating the name to your predicate, we can do nothing. So, we give this guy the benefit of the doubt.

HOLDER: Of course, Ma’m. But on the off chance he does try something and passengers attack and thwart him, ACLU attorneys will be on the tarmac to advise Mr. Osman of his rights the moment he disembarks.

[in corner, Obama’s BlackBerry rings. He answers.]

MICHELLE: Barack, I thought I confiscated all your toys. Who is that?

OBAMA: Chris Matthews, dear. He wants to know what I’m wearing. Should I tell him?


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